I thought The Tallest Man on Earth was that Swedish guy.

That Filipino guy sounds just like him. That's how he got hired.

One time I was at a bar for karaoke night. Not only was there a person singing horribly and out of tune, as is usually the case, there was a whole goddamn air band. Several drunk rednecks decided who amongst them was going to play each air instrument. There were two guitarists, an air bassist and my favorite - the…

A cargo hold would be a good place for a game of tuxedo football, now that you mention it.

That, indeed, is the real crime.

I don't see how that's worse than Billy Joel constantly crashing through my living room windows in his car.

I got turned off Burger King when they gave me a mild case of food poisoning on the day before Thanksgiving many years ago. That Thanksgiving was the first time I met my then-girlfriend, now-wife's parents. I felt OK at first, but then sick again after dinner and they thought I was hungover. Then, months later when I…

Damn right. That shit on their curly fries is fast food perfection.

What kind of cheese? I feel like that would make a big difference.

Oh, I definitely thought a few were hot as well. I mean, I was an 18-year-old ball of hormones at the time. I remember having detailed debates with my dipshit friends about which were the hottest. I just hated their music and the whole scene or whatever you call it that popped up around them.

That second sentence is poetry, my friend.

My college friend did pretty much the same thing, but of course with this guy, he used a porno DVD. It was all zooming in on various genitalia, money shots and what have you. It got old pretty quick, but he laughed like he had discovered the funniest thing mankind had ever achieved.

Goddamn that sounds awful, but like something I would've done at that age. Kind of like when I soaked marshmallows in beer for about 10 minutes then roasted them over a camp fire. My dad yelled at me for wasting beer, but one of his friends thought they were legitimately good.

Shut up, UPDIKE!!!

I was only 18 at the time, but I completely did not get the Spice Girls. The first time I saw the video I honestly thought it was a joke. Little did I know what was to come.

I think I spent more hours playing Goldeneye in the dorms my freshman year of college than I did sleeping. And when the guys on my floor weren't playing Goldeneye, they were trading VHS porno movies. Or getting high and arrested. I think one guy studied for about a half hour one time.

Tell me about it. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones are playing a free show in my town later this month. No joke.

Inventory: 9 Reasons I Very Nearly Went on a Mass Murdering Spree in 1997

Those blintzes were lousy!

I was a senior in high school in '97