But did you know how to fuck spelling money?

In fifth grade, my Catholic school made us all write essays about why Catholic education was so great. Naturally, this was for Catholic education week. I just made up some bullshit that I thought would be what the teacher wanted to hear and get me a good grade. I was unpleasantly surprised to find out I had…

I wrote a letter to Crunch Tators potato chips, which I now believe are defunct. If I recall correctly, it was because they had some promo on the bag about how you could win great prizes for writing in and telling them your favorite things about the chips. All I got was a goddamn refrigerator magnet.

Why were you trying to hold a pen with your ring and pinky fingers? Maybe that's why you had bad handwriting.

Yeah, I get that. Brownback is fucking terrible. But my point is, if the role of this ambassador is to be an asshole and push Christianity on the world and chip away at separation of church and state, Trump may have, MAY HAVE, actually picked someone who can do the job for once.

As a Kansas resident, I'm absolutely elated to see that fuckstain Brownback go. What I don't know, and haven't had the time to look up, is what exactly this new job does. If it's some bullshit promote Christianity above all else and try to infiltrate the government even further with right wing Jesus propaganda then…

It has proven to be fatal 100 percent of the time.

I'd love to get a piece a dat mass!

Oh come on. That's the ultimate excuse for people who don't want to be seen in public.

And it's also pretty good.

My personal favorite was the one where he convinced the hotel owner to try a sound and light proof box to hide kids in so parents could fuck in their hotel rooms. Bringing in the porn actors to get it on while the kid was enjoying the space ship box and the parents awkwardly watched for a minute as the actors used the…

[FARTS]

I heard Rod Stewart went into a restaurant and swallowed all the semen in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.

Never forget the lessons of Duracell and Hormel Black Label Bacon.

If he was giving away copper I'd be all over that shit. You can sell that stuff for meth money!

Trolling a Hard Rock Cafe? This guy might be my new favorite. I mean, if you're in Nashville, one of the best music towns around, and you're going to the fucking Hard Rock Cafe, I have a hard time saying you don't deserve that.

I love weirdos like this who are willing to ply their tunes for free out in public, all for our amusement/entertainment. One time I left a bar in my town at closing time to find a guy blasting charmingly shitty versions of Nirvana songs on the street corner. A few weeks later, I saw the same guy playing acoustic on a…

I've tried to avoid saying this same thing for fear of sounding like a dickhead. I guess a safe time to state your love of a band many people hate is at a time like this. It's definitely tragic and I sympathize with fans who lost an artist they loved, but goddamn, did I ever hate Linkin Park's music. But, to those of…

You're the collusion.

Poor LaToya Stallone is always overshadowed.