Settle down! You're going to give yourself skin failure.

But at least the iPad screen wasn't cracked.

Several years ago a friend gave me a gag gift of a ceramic smoking baby. It was just like it sounds like, a little ceramic baby that came with mini cigarettes you could put in its mouth and light. One guy at the Christmas party at which he gave it to me thought it was some sort of pot smoking contraption and tried to…

That kid is wise beyond her years. Everybody knows the Windex under the sink is actually just vodka with blue food coloring. That's what all of your moms did with their liquor stashes, right?

Ooohh, can we also blast "Sending Our Love Down the Well" at high volumes on a loop while he's down there?

This question was asked the other day, but #WheretheHellisWhovian? He hasn't been downvoting as much as usual.

No Logo Land, brought to you by NASCAR.

They couldn't even get the good Wahlberg brother. But they did get the better ice.

The bi-op is what?

Performance inhibiting? The dude threw a no-hitter while tripping balls. I guess he countered it with amphetamines, but what was my point again?

I love their Cajun fries. They don't last forever, but I always eat them after finishing the burger and they're just fine.

Fried butter makes no sense either. (I know it's a fool's errand to try to make sense of fair foods, but still). Butter is something you add to other foods, not something you eat on its own. It's not that hard, you fry things in butter, you don't fry the butter itself. That's like asking for sauteed olive oil.

Jesus Christ, between this and that article about the Hawaiian pizza guy dying, today is a day for truly terrible food opinions on the A.V. Club.

Your opinion is bad and you should feel bad.

Unless they press the shit out of it or dehydrate it, that pineapple is leaving some juice behind.

I have a good friend from Brazil named Adolfo, and he's not ashamed of the name at all, nor does he use a nickname to my knowledge. And it's a bit weird that there aren't as many negative connotations around the name in South America, given how many Nazis defected there.

One of many things I hate about Trump is he's ruined the use of trump as a verb. As in "the federal court's decision trumps the ruling of a lower court." Also, my family likes to play cards and every fucking hand you have to talk about which suit is trump. Perhaps we'll need to change it to something like "which suit…

I saw Pixies about seven years ago on their "Doolittle" tour. They had Fuck Buttons open for them. I've heard a few people say good things about Fuck Buttons, but my god, they were a terrible opening act. Just two guys standing there like a couple of assholes only turning knobs and making godawful, dissonant noise…

If she got them through Ticketmaster, I'd say about $200 of each ticket was their bullshit "convenience fees."

It says no FRESNOS. We're allowed to have one.