I love I Can't Be Bothered to Remember, and It Was Probably a Pseudonym Anyway's work!

Sometimes I wonder if my nephews view me as the drunk uncle because I am often drinking at family functions (and so are other people to varying extents). Then I remember their other uncle is a hideous alcoholic who often gets too drunk to even show up at family things or is the topic of conversation among the other…

Or speed readers with prostate problems.

Who the hell takes such long pisses that you can read an op/ed of any length? With the sports pages I just always scan the headlines, maybe read the cutlines of the photos or the first few paragraphs.

But what the hell rhymes with husband?

I've heard somewhere that if you saw the boom in the shot in a theatre, it was most likely the projectionist's fault, for not lining it up right or something. How did that work? And is that still a thing now that they don't use the big film reels anymore? I remember seeing it during Major League many years ago, but…

Is Nudeador really Tim Heidecker? That just might be too good to be true.

Where I'm from, a lot of people pronounce it crick.

My grandma taught me how to make a killer leg of lamb. And by the way, everybody knows that you're insane.

I remember hearing a song on Dr. Demento about 30 years ago that was a Love Shack parody called Radio Shack. It went something like "Radio Shack is a nerdy little place where, dweebs can get together!!!"

My favorite example of that phenomena was "The Humpty Dance," which had the "Humpstremental" on side B.

If you end up bleeding from your ears or anywhere else, you are definitely touching yourself wrong.

I met Henry Rollins at a Border's once. He wasn't there signing books or CDs or anything, just looking over DVDs. He was pretty friendly, but when my wife asked him for an autograph and handed him a pink pen he said "Jesus, that's a sick color."

It's really creepy how you guys are always asking for my home address.

I was gonna ask about pecan. I go with puh-kawn, but I like asking southerners that question. Direct families don't even agree some times.

I imagine we're going to point out how utterly clueless one of the most powerful people in our government is. And maybe come back to it every now and then when the dumb fuck comes up in the news. Other than that, I don't imagine anybody is losing any sleep over his choice in music. His deliberate choices to starve…

People "went nuts" because Paul Ryan claimed to be a fan of a band whose lyrics, very explicitly and without any ambiguity, condemn and stand against everything Ryan stands for politically. And he's too fucking stupid to realize it.

My dad once called it Mozzarella Fox Fire and wondered why I laughed.

What are your preferred pronunciations for roof and creek?

I'm going to start pronouncing it "guh-hiff" and say I saw it written that way on the internet.