I know that guy.

Now I'm picturing someone doing the finger air quotes while saying "handsome."

I have to have one of those Totino's Party Pizzas every once in a great while. I know they're terrible, but they're terrible in a way that's just comforting for some reason. Especially if I'm drunk and/or baked and hanging out with old friends.

I have a cousin who opened a vape store in my small Nebraska hometown. This is someone who's never been able to hold a job for more than a year, barely finished school and has been evicted from numerous homes for not paying rent. Yet somehow she of all people has been able to make this business work for going on two…

And today we learned that Xanderpuss really is his avatar.

After getting good and drunk with my dad on election night and then talking on the phone with him last night, I can tell these are gonna be a long four years. Lots of drinking I'm sure, but I'm resolving not to be passive aggressive and just flat-out call bullshit any time Trump comes up.

If by controversial you mean that alleged comment he made about "how black people are only fit to shine (his) shoes," from what I've read that's blown completely out of proportion. He may have said some racist things, he was a white southern man born in the early 20th century after all, but I've never seen anyone be…

I've only read one, but Guralnick's book on Sam Phillips was outstanding as well. It has a lot of material on Elvis, of course, but also much more on the countless other legendary musicians he worked with. Definitely worth a read.

I'm a mushroom cloud-layin' muppetfucker, muppetfucker!

You're confusing Trump with someone who has an attention span.

And don't forget the mislabeled songs. Those were awesome!

In my day, "iTunes" were the records filed under Iglesias, Julio.

He's my favorite since DJ John Wilkes Booth.

Table for I and I please.

You should come by my house. The last time I went through the drive through, the girl asked me if I wanted any sauces. I asked for fire. After she handed me the bag she asked if I wanted hot or fire. When I replied fire, she took the bag back and threw in a huge handful of those fire sauce packets. So now I have a…

We just elected a walking, shit-eating buffoon as president, so why not go full "Idiocracy" and make Taco Bell what Starbucks was in that movie?

I was at a Mexican restaurant in my town with some friends once. In one section of the menu, they had a pronunciation guide. Now, I get how that might be helpful for white folks like me trying to pronounce chilaquiles or pollo con mole, but the first entry in this guide? Taco (tah-koe).

And we'll make Taco John's pay for it!

They should make a Cool Ranch president.

and sleeping pills