One of my best friends in high school showed me the box of old Playboys and porno mags his dad had hidden in a closet. That thing was so heavy it took both of us to lift it down from the shelf.

I'd pay to see it if John Lovitz played Battle Cat, or whatever the cat's called when he's not Battle Cat.

#cornballbullshit

Imagine how cool it would look if Beetlejuice were playing it.

Can we get Harry Dean Stanton as Skeletor?

That reminds me of my father-in-law. He once won a Notorious B.I.G. poster at the county fair carnival. He then proceeded to hang it up in the living room without telling his wife, just to see how long it took her to notice. It actually took her a few days, but when she saw it she threw a shittin' fit. So he moved it…

"Rob Schneider is… The Fart Corpse!"

You mean the star of Decker?

Will you please take Russell Brand back already?

He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

"It can be two things" remains the A.V. Club meme that best responds to this political quote.

If your avatar is to be believed, you took up smoking and many, MANY other vices decades ago.

That ring announcer guy who always says "Let's get ready to RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLE?"

I was on a flight to Sao Paolo Brazil a few years ago. I was watching True Detective and the captain came on with some announcement which froze everyone's screens, pausing whatever it was they were watching. Naturally I happened to be right in the Alexandra Daddario gets naked scene. It's a fantastic scene, no doubt,…

That you know of.

I wasn't hit by no damn train!

I'm not going to argue all IPAs are great or anything. I just took umbrage with the dismissal of a whole beer variety. I get it if you don't like them, not everything is for everyone, but it's really snobby to dismiss everyone who likes them.

Violence is is the answer!

I don't plan on going to see the new Independence Day, but there is one thing I'm wondering about. In the trailers, they show that weirdo, gray-haired scientist guy from the first movie. The one who worked at Area 51. The one who was killed by the aliens after they spoke through him. So how the fuck is he in the…

But not The Orioles, The Cardinals or The Eagles of Death Metal.