[CHRIS ANGEL'S EYES BUG WILDLY THROUGH MASCARA]

Well, of course not, Konami, don't be redicoolus!

And 15% more meet-cutes.

Nothing Bane does could possibly be as awesome as that.

"On a related note, no buyers yet for our gritty, edgier feaure adaptation of Whodini's 'Haunted House Of Rock.' What's the problem?"

Heh.

Right, Adam. "Make" him play.

Like that time they contracted the staff infection from the…

Sometimes the love threatens to overwhelm; my heart could burst from the joy.

"OOOOOOooooh, I HATE that Hobbit!"

Fucking hell. That movie was way more offensive than Song of the South. What a piece of shit.

New pitch: "Speed in a Chinese restaurant"

"We suppose the comparison becomes slightly less ridiculous once you realize that Speed was essentially 'Amadeus on a bus.'"

Nice outfits, it makes them look like homosexuals!

Been there, done that. It's called Thigh-nasty.

[EMAILS ARTICLE PHOTO TO SELF; ASKS BOSS IF HE CAN LEAVE EARLY]

[CONTINUES CRYING]

Fantastic. Now we'll see at least five more goddamn Underworld movies.

Here in Chicago, they can.

No, come on! Don't be like that. Let's hear it. We'll act like it's Disqus's fault.