foxnews.com, I assume?

Bring back Netflix!

[Fake Aussie accent]

Honestly, does anyone think they're not paying Kutcher that much out of spite for Charlie Sheen?

BOOM. #leaving?

Sphincter? Why I barely…

This is the compromised second draft, though, without the little hearts dotting the "i's".

MEASLES PARTY AT THE AV CLUB! Leave your immunizations—and inhibitions—at the door!

Unless he's holding a copy of The Big Book of Butts, I respectfully disagree.

I don't care what excuse you've got! Nothing's gonna stop me in the middle of this speech. You're gonna… ORANGE TREE!?

Aww. Anyone else a little disappointed it wasn't the picture of Courtney Love with a turtle on her head?

That's no moon…!

I'll see your Police Squad! and raise you another Get a Life.

What?! They canceled True Blood too?!

Nobody in Chicago, especially South of Roosevelt, calls it "US Cellular Field". And good luck with that whole "Willis Tower" thing, Willis.

Not even death can keep him from Curly's Gold!

In full Island of Doctor Moreau makeup, holding a double cheeseburger.

"Hello, Gary? I figured if anyone around here would know where to get some Tang, it'd be you. Huh? Shut up!"

Ahh, relax. The sun will burn out long before that.

Is this angry shouting or busted hearing aid shouting?