Durst Micropenis, taking you to the moon in 2017!

Also, if you dance at a Frightened Rabbit concert, Scott Hutchison will half-heartedly throw haggis at you that has been soaked overnight in his tears and feelings of ennui.  Which trust me, you do NOT want that to happen.

McRibs are made of people!

I…don't hate that?  How is this possible?

Look, the best way to defrost an island is to leave the wrapper on, nuke that fucker for like a minute-minute thirty, flip the bitch over, nuke it again for another minute or so, and peel the wrapper off.  It's also advisable to poke a hole in the wrapper or you'll get a steam explosion.

I own 4 guns: a six-shooter that belonged to my great-grandpa, a .22lr target pistol, and two .22lr rifles, one of which is an antique given to me by my grandpa before he died.  I keep no ammunition in the house, am ridiculously obsessive about gun safety whenever I go target shooting, and I too favor heavy…

But Pink's an independent woman who doesn't need a man in her life!  That surely makes her a real artist, right?

Everyone plays exactly the age that they are right now on TV.  Otherwise it would mean that TV is full of liars and liars can't get with me, no.

Look, if you have a problem with O'Neal's LOVE program, howabout YOU try programming a robot zombie to do anything other than kill and drink!

Don't they have an actual bone in them?  I think horses are among the species that have bones in their cocks.  I'm in no way going to try to google that, so I guess I may never know for certain.

That's exactly what Nathan Rabin would say to throw us off his trail!

My band, Port-Woman-Toe, is sure to upset those gender-stifled rape-culturists.

Marx never wrote that simplistically, but there is definitely a "class=culture" undercurrent to classical Marxism.  From there, it's really no surprise that the Neo-Marxists picked it up and went with a full "all cultural ills can be traced back to capitalism" stance.

Look, the point is that if we go far enough back on Donald Trump's patrilineage, we're sure to find some sort of proto-humaniod ape creature.

I liked it because I always do what cheese tells me to do.

I tried to sell him some oregano, but I guess a person can only fall for that one so many times before he wises up.

YOU'LL TAKE MY GUNN WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD, BOTOXED-INTO-LIFELESSNESS VISAGE!!!

Well, in fairness, non-manual labor is just as prized.  When you think of success, who do you picture?  A guy in an expensive suit in a corner office?  A tenured professor presenting his research to a packed room in a conference hall?  A journalist or author giving interviews about their latest work?  A rock star…

So basically University of Phoenix then?

"I am a pen writing my own obituary."