You should just show him Gamera movies, then.  Gamera is a friend to all children!

He's pretty cool.  Lately we've been doing this routine in public that he thinks is funnier than I do.  He pretends to cry, and I look down and ask him, gently, "Why are you crying?"
*no response*
Me: "Is it because you're stupid?  And ugly?"
*usually he busts out giggling at this point, but sometimes he stays in…

My brother is actually playing a role in the Godzilla movie they're filming right now with Bryan Cranston.  My 4-year-old son is a Godzilla fanatic.  So I told him that his uncle Mack is going to be in a movie with Godzilla, and this was his reaction:
"Is Uncle Mack going to fight Godzilla?"
"Yes, probably."
"Do you…

@avclub-29501df08e5d9ae59e432e4f188d3735:disqus I will cut off his head and I will place it on your piano!

(Shhh! Ixnay on the ulletsbay.)

Hell, NBC just picked up my own treatment for a reality show, "Divorced by America."  Basically, three sets of struggling couples will admit camera crews into their homes, and based on the footage and interviews at a live event, the audience will vote for which two couples will receive free counselling and living…

Just for the record, I don't really want to kill you with kindness either…

Let's kill her with kindness!

@Scrawler2:disqus Haha! These days my penis performs more of a half-hearted "heil myself" motion like Hitler used to do in response.

All the ones I've come across are skinheads or have Hitler mustaches.  Why do racist vaginas have to be so sexy?

I think they pick up new fashions at The Gap; penises, of course, shop at Banana Republic.

I prefer the term "cluster-yuck".

It's set in the Bay-zarro World, a place where instead of training astronauts to dig holes they train hole-diggers to be astronauts, and where chemistry nerds fuck the prom queen.

The mere fact that you call it pope-pope tells me you're not ready.

Feels, nothing more than feels,
Trying to forget my…feels of love.

*grunts in agreement*

Well, they had already had that slogan for like 40-odd years before the show takes place, didn't they?

Guys, these are all fantastic ideas for my wife's children's book.  Please keep 'em coming!

@avclub-cf4b19e32ce29fef04468ac9d2a6787d:disqus You think maybe he was looking for a quick way to cover up the fact that he'd pissed his pants?  Hey, we've all been there.

I was just, uh, cutting onions when, um, I spilled some yogurt on my pants and I was trying to c-, uh, clean it off with this tissue but I had to take them off and HEY WHAT'S THAT? *jumps out window*