502 ways to die!

Or a "divine elf".

Della Reese??  NOOOOOO!!!

Here's my top 5:

*in Lou Diamond Phillips' voice* "What's cal-coo-lus?"

So that's how it's done, huh?

@avclub-fec1b8d3fbc08f27a84e5a334d45bb5a:disqus Hey, that cow had it coming!

"Hello, sir, are you here for Coping with Senility?"

"50 Shades of Grey" was not published until 2011.  What, are we to believe that in this scenario Tim Callahan had access to some kind of time machine, through which he was able to procure a copy of a yet-to-be-published novel - in Klingon, mind you - before he died in 2006?

I wonder if Steven Edie ever performed with Holland Oates…

"Steven Edie"…oh, you young whippersnappers and your purely phonetic grasp of old references!

Well, McGarnigle, the chair is kindling!  They sawed it apart from headrest to legs!

@avclub-41e23e24ee2670c4128cd7e5e5ee42ab:disqus I knew I had only a small window of time, so I limited it to 8 "meows".  I defer to your superior transcription of the quote, though.

I know you can read MY thoughts, boy……..meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow…

Yes, but since she never comments on this site she still thinks the two are mutually exclusive.  It actually worked out well - not only did her suspicions immediately evaporate, but she also starting acting sympathetic towards me.  (I told her it was because I had watched Obama's speech on the failure of the Gun…

Unrelated

@avclub-4caf6aa0375b2499ebfe7e971b36eee3:disqus Thank you for reminding me to keep my son away from Tom Scharpling…

Yes, having a kid is full of stresses and pitfalls.  For instance (I know you like these stories, Hat, even if no one else does):

"It's an eternity in there…"

Ripped apart, Orpheus-style, by a gang of naked ladies with awesome back-paintings.