He is a cartoon. That's why he TALKS. JUST. LIKE. THIIIIIIIIIIIS!

Well, it was either this or reboot Rob Schneider's 'The Hot Chick'. Why it was down to those two projects is another story.

I was hoping for an all-female reboot, an all-male reboot, and an expanded multiverse to connect all of the various Rocky Horror Picture Show Ah Fuck It Let's Remake Everything movies. Oh well. A man can dream. I man can dream…

I misread the headline as "Richard Lewis" and am now disappointed.

Roll Fizzlebeef?

Wait, so Pat Sajak is some sort of dragon? I thought he was a Lovecraftian horror haunting us from the right angles in our nightmares.

Rasputin? Lover of the Russians queen? http://youtu.be/5yTVWXYctoY

What about Dig-Dug? Is that shit possible, or has my childhood been a pack of lies?

Fuck that! Give the people what they want: MORE KLUMPS! This one could be called Little Klumps, and it's about The Nutty Professor and Love Interest farting out a fat child who farts a lot. I'm not really sure what happens in the middle, but it concludes with a fart-off between Eddie Murphy and Larry T. Cableguy. Then…

Hold on. Snoop Douglas smokes the reefer? I always thought he was a straight edger, what with his evangelical Christian lyrics.

These movies are hilarious! Their voices are so high-pitched and squeaky! It's like when you hold down the fast forward and play buttons at the same time on your cassette deck! Bwahahahaha! The only thing that would be better would be a Family Circus movie.

I believe it was Ayn Rand who wrote, "If the free market doesn't buy your movie, use the might of Big Nanny Government to force it onto the peoples."

New? I am unfamiliar with this concept.

I think by "recalibrate" they mean that Melton and Dunstan will be tweaking the settings of the 3D printer that mass produces these movies. Considering how long it's been since Halloween II: European Gigolo, I think something might be wrong with the extruder.

I tried seeking help once, but the only therapist my insurance covers is, ironically enough, Joey Lawrence. It's the damnedest thing, I tell ya.

Will Gwar be there to disembowel him? http://youtu.be/Ae4ky-gzJtg

Of course, who hasn't tried to stab Joey Lawrence to death with corkscrews?

How can the Grammys commit such an egregious error? Don't they know that all Grammy winners must be approved by a committee of Kanye Wests?

They could invite along that new kid. Oh what's his name, Paul McCartney?

How is Clarissa going to explain this all to her children?