I'm really looking forward to seeing Annie's Boobs again… if only someone could get that damn monkey out of the way.

Who's got it better than Us?!… No, seriously, I'm asking.

I too am offended by this sniveling, octogenarian's sardonic comments on a satirical website!  Where's my scribe?  Rest assured, good sir or ma'am, the House of Lords will hear about this. 

I like them because Eddie Vedder told me to…

"Oh, look at me.  I know Eddie Veddder & Johnny Depp!  I'm innocent of these crimes, from which the DA's office railroaded me!"  You make me sick, mate.

"Oh, look at me.  I know Eddie Veddder & Johnny Depp!  I'm innocent of these crimes, from which the DA's office railroaded me!"  You make me sick, mate.

"Mr. President, I served with Grand Moff Tarkin.  I knew Grand Moff Tarkin.  Grand Moff Tarkin was a friend of mine.  Mr. President, you are no Grand Moff Tarkin!" 

I'm really glad George Clooney won.  It's about time things started to go his way.

"Karl, now that we have her here, would you like to ask Bjork if she would like to appear in your new Clive Warren/Rebecca De Mornay film?"

Can Ricky Gervais appear via satellite to say something snarky about the celebs in attendance?  I would enjoy that… 

Everybody knows that if you want QT to answer a serious, journalist-type question, you've got to show some toe.  

Nice burn, sir or ma'am. 

"This is the most horrible, degrading moment of my life and career, and I've worked with Adam Sandler!" 

Uhh, at least Letterman beat Carson Daly?

"Now appearing irony-free, ladies and gentleman, you know her, you love her, you can't live without her… Kathie Lee Gifford."  Yes, irony-free…

No, they canceled at the last minute.  Fortunately, Boyz 2 Men were in the area and available. 

And laughter is the best medicine… that is, laughter and anti-viral drugs.

Great.  Now I'll never get to see Liam Neeson do some improvisational comedy. 

Nick, Megan- thanks for taking my call.  Can the women on Craigslist's "Casual Encounters" be trusted?  Thanks.

Have you ever smoked weed on "Downton Abbey?"  Because I did last night, and it still sucked.  Bieber!!