"Does it have bomb potential" is the new "is it toyetic?"

A classic ethical dilemma: if you had the opportunity to go back in time and visit Hitler as a child, would you first introduce him to Purple Rain or Believe?

if (roomInYourStomach > myFist) {
    ramItIntoYourStomachAndTearOutYourGoddamSpine();
}

I'd hit it! With a 6.5mm round, fired from a nearby grassy knoll!

No, you'll never make a vampire out of… SOOKIE!

What if I told you it had a "throbbing rhythm"?

I used to love Applebee's because I would always go there with friends after 10pm, completely shitfaced, and get the half price appetizers. I mistakenly took some friends to the one in Times Square, sober, and they don't even have the half price appetizer deal there. It was Holocaust bad. Yay Chili's, though!

That's pretty much always been the case…

Yeaaaaaaah. JoeBloggs, I've been looking over your indicators and so far they have been… not favorable. Why don't you fix those up a bit and have them on my desk by EOD?

I liked Adrien Brody a lot more before I realized he wasn't the "Meat Man" from Strangers With Candy.

I guess I bought into the initial anti-hype around when Born to Die came out, but I listened to Paradise on a whim a couple weeks ago and thought it was some pretty dern fun noir-pop, or whatever you want to call it. Love it or not, I haven't heard anybody else doing what she's doing right now, and the kitschiness is…

Let's just give him the benefit of the doubt on this one and assume he's been drinking ceaselessly since the World Cup started.

Oh wait… that's creepy? Uuuuuh… *discreetly puts away collection of bottled teenager sweat*

The inanity of Buzzfeed is nigh impossible to parody effectively, but the super do-goody blog links on the site seem like pretty classic Onion.

TUSK!

In his next book I'd like to see Nathan Rabin go native among the Beliebers and Team Breezy.

I sort of get what you mean, but it's pretty hard to separate the song from the performance. Maybe there's some theoretical base line at which a song is just objectively terrible, but in general I think most songs can be salvaged by an inspired interpretation, so I don't see it as a hypocrisy to say that you hate…

Dude, no. Tom Waits was always much funnier than Billy Joel, and told way more interesting, humorous stories. Listen to anything on Small Change. He had a lot of weird beatnik shit mixed in with the ballads. And come on, the voice doesn't count for nothing. I agree that there's some overlap in style, but Waits rarely…

"Put on the glasses."

"Where am I supposed to put them? You just sang my fucking face off."

You want throat singers to deliver airborne packages to your house? I feel like their skills could be put to better use.