He just wants his kids back! (Cusack, meanwhile, just wants a paycheck and to be home by 6 P.M., tops.)

Lone Star and Princess Vespa were related?!? Jesus, Spaceballs is a dark movie.

STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!

I hope the Hawaiian guy gets the final Death Blow, because he had it coming.

Did the Dust Brothers use that same guitar sample on Paul's Boutique? Or am I just attributing everything to that record like I always do?

Hey, she watches Orphan Black. She's okay in my book.

Normally I'd be tempted to try it out, but these motherfathers always have a scheme cooking. Selling key rulebooks in multiple parts, revising them every 6 months with essential new content, subscription fees, yada yada. I get that they're a business, but it always seemed rather predatory.

She's developing a sitcom re-boot with the Geico cavemen.

Hey! It's not fair to review a Sims game until EA has sold the other 719 parts of it to you so it's a complete product.

I suspect people gave her the benefit of the doubt that she was much better than the material, and the fact that she's absurdly attractive with a dynamite figure didn't hurt.

Later, Olive Garden will be found burned down by what witnesses called a 'disco inferno.'

*Researches Horseback Riding to run down your Settlers.*

*Presents counterpoint via a comically oversized shoe.*

"No! Why do you always say that?"

I thought she meant my daughter Magaggie.

Yup, it really does. Only people in your same realm looks-wise show up in your 'match' feed, so if you want to date 'up' or ;'down,' you better know your Photoshop.

Pah! I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah.

My favorite OkCupid feature is the way the site filters people into 'attractive' and 'uggo' camps based on your photos. It allows you to feel bad about yourself at a much more efficient rate than real life could manage.

Honestly, is there anything that budget-conscious television producers won't make a show out of? Stamp collectors? Maybe bumper car enthusiasts? A show that just films a guy surfing Buzzfeed?

*Tweets picture of me spooning with Annie Clark; I'm all like 'what, bitch?'*