Did you hear about this motherfucking network giving another show to Matthew "high as balls off a rail of coke" Perry? Yeah, this is a thing that's happening at this piece of shit network. NBC is trying to make a hit sitcom starring a guy who used to be on a hit sitcom, then snorted half his fucking paycheck.

Did you hear about this motherfucking network giving another show to Matthew "high as balls off a rail of coke" Perry? Yeah, this is a thing that's happening at this piece of shit network. NBC is trying to make a hit sitcom starring a guy who used to be on a hit sitcom, then snorted half his fucking paycheck.

Apparently, if you fucks had been paying attention, you'd know this, but apparently Victoria's Secret has developed a new bra that uses Jaws of Life technology on tits to squeeze them up and make them look fucking huge. The only problem is that the bra is so goddamn strong that it makes the tits actually pop.

So in this commercial I did for those fucks at BK, I got to drive a classic car right into the restaurant, if you want to call that shithole turd factory a restaurant. You know, because I'm Jay Fucking Leno and I can do shit like that. They even let me hire an unidentifiable black guy to sit in the passenger seat…

Hey, did you cockfaces hear this news? I'm doing advertising for fucking Burger King now. This is true, goddammit! Stop fucking laughing already like I told you some kind of joke!

Oops! Fuck.

Hey, speaking of ruining a solid brand, just yesterday we finally got rid of the stench of Conan O'Brien's hair products from backstage.

You assholes hear about what this Reed Hastings is doing? This Netflix CEO?  This cocksucker is trying to just abandon this streaming shit all together. By the way, Kev, streaming shit is what I have after I eat that Chipotle. You ever have that? Chipotle? Gives you the ring of fire back there, you know what I mean?

Coincidentally, "I'm sorry Leno" is exactly what I made David Letterman shave into his ass hair before I finally agreed to give the Tonight Show to Conan O'Brien for a few weeks.

Have you assclowns been watching the Newswire lately? Have you heard about this Dawes? This Laurel Canyon sound? It's this group of lazy hipster motherfuckers with trite lyrics and shitty indie rock, and they all wear tight pants.

Hey, did you cocksuckers hear this news about Colbert? He's shut his show down and gone into hiding. Apparently- no, shut the fuck up and quit clapping, you dipshits, this is true!- apparently he got a touch of the Jenny McCarthy that's been going around. I guess he should've SuperPACked his body with some vaccines!

You son of a bitch! You saw what I did to Conan, right asshole? I will end you!

You guys hear what these fucks in China are doing? You hear this shit? They're censoring programming for being- this is true!- for being overly entertaining! These little shits are banning- these are their actual rules here- "fakery, unprincipled acts, and harming others for profit."

Hobbits? You know what that sounds like?
Did you hear about this fucking movie, The Hobbit? You hear about this shit? They're making a movie about the book that came before Lord of the Fucking Rings. Why don't you call up that assfuck George Lucas and ask him how people like prequels fucking up their cherished…

Bill Clinton, my go-to joke!
Apparently Bill Clinton is going to be in this new Hangover movie. This is true! It's a true fucking thing…he really is. Yeah, but instead of being hungover from alcohol, he's going to be hungover from Viagra! The stuff that makes your dick hard! You like that stuff, right Kev?

The great Denzel Washington, ladies and gentlemen!
Denzel is starring in a new movie. It's about a train that goes out of control and is going to end up ruining the entire fucking city somehow. But they did a great casting job with this one. You know who they got to play the conductor of the train? Coked-up Charlie…

Let me ask you something, Kanye…
Are you proud of yourself? How do you think your stank ass momma would feel about what you said? Do you want to apologize to America, you pompous assfuck? If more black people were like your media-whoring ass, wouldn't EVERYONE not care about them?

Forgive me, motherfuckers. They just screwed up my timeslot. You know how NBC is a bunch of incompetent assfucks, right? They make decisions like Carrot Top has sex- infrequently and incompetently.

Axl Rose, ladies and gentlemen!
Axl Rose is promising Guns and Fucking Roses will get back to work on a new album immediately. But it's not the old Guns and Roses, it's this new shit where a guy wearing a bucket of KFC on his head plays guitar. We actually had a musician like that on our show for a while. His name was…

Except, you know, I had the Jay Leno Writer shtick going for a full week before O'Neal's Newswire imitation, you cockbag. There's so much joke thievery around this place it feels like Carlos Mencia's show.