The movie cramming dollar bills into the orifices of a bent-over-and-willing Hollywood this week is The Croods. It's all about these mouth-breathing shitbag morons that can barely speak intelligibly. Like the Kardashians, but older. So we went out to the meth lab that is Melrose to ask regular people what they knew…

Well now you look like a fucking idiot. Of course, if you were in my audience, we were already aware that you were a fucking idiot.

Did you hear the one about that time I double-posted?

Did you hear this latest bullshit news about NBC's late night schedule? The rumor is that the assfucks running this network want Seth Meyers to come in and take over Late Night. No, I'm fucking serious. This is an actual fucking thing. Now Seth Meyers will be able to not make you laugh five fucking nights a week…

What did I tell you pitiful fucks? I RUN THIS TOWN! If you shitbags want to watch Fallon do an imitation of a singer even my old ass is too young to remember, you can keep your worthless asses awake until 12:35!

Hey, speaking of NBC jackoffs, someone forgot to wipe down the walls of my dressing room after they sent in the contractually-required jerk team. That semen isn't going to clean itself, you pieces of shit!

I'll show up whenever I damned well please, you fucking peasant! I OWN THIS NETWORK!

Do you all know about that horseshit McDonald's Shamrock Shake? You know about that one? That green shit they serve up once a year? Apparently they make them for the exact motherfuckers that both eat at McDonald's and enjoy the taste of toothpaste!

Did you hear about this plan NBC has to replace me? Yeah, apparently these fuckers think that the end of contractual obligations somehow means they can fill my seat with someone else. Well the only person around here filling seats is me, with "filling seats" as a metaphor for buttsex. That's right, you heard me.…

Did you hear these assholes criticizing my car collection? No, this is true. There are limpdicks on the internet acting like it's somehow sad that I have a vast fortune that affords me the luxury to buy many classic automobiles.

Did you worthless sacks of shit see these ratings from last night? Did you see them? The assholes at Nielsen released their preliminary overnight ratings, and this Community show got a 1.8 in the demo and just under 4 million viewers. 4 million of you wastes of life tuned in to watch a show about a community college…

We've got a great fucking show for you tonight. Jason Bateman is on the show tonight! Very funny motherfucker, that Jason Bateman. He's got a new movie coming out where he'll be playing the straight man in a comedy about a murder case. They originally cast John Travolta in the role, but they replaced him because…

Hey! You leave that material to me, you fucking dickbag! Now go get back in the writer's room before Aguilera sees you wandering the halls like you're people.

Hey! You leave that material to me, you fucking dickbag! Now go get back in the writer's room before Aguilera sees you wandering the halls like you're people.

Hey, speaking of society collapsing, we've got the star of that shitty Revolution here tonight! Yeah, go ahead and clap for that, you fucks. Revolution is the dumbed-down-for-you-fat-asses-in-the-flyover-states version of Hunger Games.

Hey, speaking of society collapsing, we've got the star of that shitty Revolution here tonight! Yeah, go ahead and clap for that, you fucks. Revolution is the dumbed-down-for-you-fat-asses-in-the-flyover-states version of Hunger Games.

We've got a great fucking show for you assholes tonight. Great show! We're going to have one of the judges from The Voice on later. No, seriously, clap for that you under-49 network-coveted dickbags. I hear you kids all are excited about these spinning chairs.

We've got a great fucking show for you assholes tonight. Great show! We're going to have one of the judges from The Voice on later. No, seriously, clap for that you under-49 network-coveted dickbags. I hear you kids all are excited about these spinning chairs.

Did you motherfuckers hear that NBC is fucking up the TV schedule again? No, this shit is true! They're putting Matthew "I fought the drug rehab and the drug rehab won" Perry's new show on after the Olympics that we Americans have such a huge fucking boner for.

Did you motherfuckers hear that NBC is fucking up the TV schedule again? No, this shit is true! They're putting Matthew "I fought the drug rehab and the drug rehab won" Perry's new show on after the Olympics that we Americans have such a huge fucking boner for.