Mitch Hurwitz
Mitch Hurwitz coming out later tonight, folks. He's a great fucking guy, Mitch. He layers on jokes so thick it's like a bukkake scene. You know about those, right Kev? Bukkake? Covering the faces with semen? I was comparing jokes to semen! Come on!

Product placement
Kim Kardashian is doing product placement on her Twitter feeds now. Seriously, this is a real thing. She's telling companies that if they give her skank ass money, she'll mention their product on Twitter. Which is amazing, because nobody pays attention to what comes out of this chick's mouth, since…

Natty P!
Natalie Portman has decided to unveil an edgier side of her self by writing a raunchy new comedy. You fuckers hear about this? This is real. She's trying to write the next Superbad, which is hilarious only because women are to comedy what yes-man band leaders are to talk show hosts!

Jonah Hill, everybody!
Jonah Hill is on the show tonight. Great actor, Jonah Hill. He was in that movie Get Him to the Greek. Which is funny, because that's like what my hooker booker says whenever I call: "Get him the Greek!" I love the anal, is what I'm saying here! Greek!

You hear about this?
Have you heard about this shit? There is a new breakfast cereal out called chocolate cheerios. What, has Cheerios given up now? Chocolate Cheerios, what the cock is that shit? Are they even Cheerios anymore? Aren't they just doughnuts in milk now? Hey, speaking of chocolate doughnuts covered in…

God, I hope you have a Nielsen box.

Listen, assface. I don't pay you guys to come comment on these boards. I pay you to write for me.

We've got a great show for you tonight!
Big show tonight. Big show! We have Robert DeNiro coming out, you all know Robert Fucking DeNiro, right? Yeah, yeah! Big round of applause for him. Everybody loves DeNiro. He was in that movie Meet The Fuckers. You guys see th…

If you want to bring back that fucking gerbil, you're gonna have to get some tongs and tell Richard Gere to bend the fuck over!

Blubberella?
You hear about this shit? This Blubberella is about a bovine-ass bitch superhero, like she's gonna smother the crime between the supple rolls of her underarm fat and the gelatinous blob that is her sagging tit. And of course, the first fucking thing I thought of when I heard about this movie was "Oh shit,…

You heard about this fucking Kanye West bullshit, right? His little bitchmove stunt on the plane, where he sings on the PA? I don't know what would be worse, Kanye singing Gold Digger or a motherfucking shoe bomber leaving my entrails splattered across the bitch in row 11!

Kanye West wasn't on the "no fly" list, he was on the "so fly" list!
Speaking of airplanes and airports…A lot of people are really fucking uncomfortable with those full body scanners. Do you know about this shit? You know the ones that fucking make your herpes-infested ass look naked when you go through?