It's very unusual for me to feel so bad for a celebrity that I'm unable to make fun of them, but having read a bit about Feldman's early life, I just can't do it.

Daaaaaaamn… I think about the power of that scene where he's flipping out on the junkyard guy about how his father stormed the beach at Normandy. It's sad to see that this is how that kid turned out.

Man, it's such a shame… the guy had real talent once. Am I thinking of the right Corey? This is the one who was in Stand By Me, right?

Yeah, Goodman came to mind immediately, but I tuned it out because he's always the first guy I think of when there's an imaginary role for a large-framed fellow. But thinking about it, he might be a terrific choice; he could play Guttman as sort of a Southern gentleman out of a Coen Bros movie, and it could work very…

With a large side of dick and fart jokes.

Dammit, now you've got me thinking about casting The Maltese Falcon (2016)… does the new Fat Man have to have Sydney Greenstreet's dimensions, or can that be an ironic nickname?

Yeah, no kidding… when I saw Rogue Nation, I never would have put together that he was also in Prometheus as the second-worst scientist in the galaxy (and the one with the most absurd hairdo). The guy's got range.

Second the call for the Ninth Configuration, one of the most indescribably odd movies I've ever seen.

Eh, maybe that's part of it, but surely those guys were amenable to getting a piece of the royalties. Anyway, I like to imagine there's an alternate universe where more rappers took the Roots' lead and put together live backing bands. For a few moments in the mid 90s, it looked like it might go that way, but it was…

Shit, if AVC made Gene an offer, he'd happily ghostwrite these columns for Rabin and trash the Kiss oeuvre as thoroughly as the dollar amount dictated.

I remember a Guitar World interview with Ace Frehley during the Bruce Kulick years (when Ace was thus free to talk openly about Gene and Paul), and he had an insightful bit about how eventually, he and Peter would mainly see Gene and Paul during business meetings at the label's office. Gene and Paul would show up in…

Yeah, I also wonder what that would do to the unemployment numbers. It's not just the IRS employees who would lose their jobs; nearly every CPA would also be out of work, along with most Accounting professors, and software companies like Intuit would probably close their doors too. Maybe these guys are being ironic…

Cruz is like a lot of conservatives in that he wants people to be free, but only in the ways that he thinks they should be free. In his eyes, gays shouldn't be free to get married, Muslims shouldn't be free to go about their business, and women shouldn't be free to terminate a pregnancy, but a baker should be free to…

Cheers! Now, go get a drink.

I'm sorry, but I can't waste any more time on this nonsense. It's precious time that I could spend making dick and fart jokes. Good luck with the world.

You're doing it again. Use your words and just say what's on your mind.

You're on one of the few cool boards that's still around; you've no doubt noticed that here it's possible to have a respectful, intelligent back-and-forth with someone you disagree with. You don't need to go into full-blown YouTube Commenter mode as soon as you see something you don't like.

I dunno… because you sound like an idiot otherwise?

Well, I can't possibly refute that bulletproof argument.

Only if they travel around in a van with a talking dog.