I really don't know what I would do if I ever met a fellow human being who genuinely enjoyed Creed. It'd be like meeting a Sasquatch or something.

@UnderstatementJones: Yeah, but, like, Predator IS a better film than Casablanca. In almost every conceivable way.

Have you told her that she'll see me two times if she does good, and also that she'll see me three times if she does bad? Because clearly she's gonna see me three times.

Luckily, my little lady is into Albini's stuff. I even got her "Songs About Fucking" on vinyl for her birthday two years ago.

I loved Burn After Reading, and luckily so did my girlfriend and my parents! YAAAAY!

If "Two And A Half Men" was crack, my parents would be sucking dick in an alleyway somewhere.

Mr. Holland's Opus is tolerable as long as you just pretend that it's some sort of weird prequel to What About Bob. Trust me on this.

Hell yes, "Maniac Magee" is a stone cold classic.

I'm a white, upper-middle class male who just graduated from college with an essentially useless degree from an art school and is feeling pretty alone and useless in the so-called "adult" world. So naturally I've been listening to The National a lot lately.

Second funniest, actually, right after Bill dressing up as The Bionic Woman for Halloween.

"I make $12,000 a year, and I'm overpaid!"

"My idea. I'm the genius."

He just wanted to hurry home to you, and put on a slow, dumb show for you (possibly involving an hilarious Japanese novelty clock?)

Mistaken For Strangers? More like MISTAKEN FOR TERRORISTS?!

These are the days! These are the PAAAARTY DAAAAAYS!

Second best PFT impression, right after his one-syllable impression of John Lithgow: "OOOOOOOH!"

It's because they're made out of boring old water, ya BIMBO!

Beatles! Stop fighting here in India!

He was #1 Handsie Boy for all time.

Imagining that Gary Coleman really was ZMF in real life makes me really happy, for some reason…