Superficial physical beauty is the only attribute which drives me to pursue sexual congress, and that's why I'm glad that my optometrist is Dr. Walker, Dr. Johnny Walker.

Don't knock it till you try it, in the future. Then you can come back to the present and look forward to the senior social sexual activity which awaits you.

Aw c'mon, you're not even trying to feel the noise.

My laptop camera is blinking continuously, and a voice through the speakers asked me to turn my face towards the light for at least 5 seconds. Hmmm….

AV Club redesign committee? Obamacare!

Yes, the miscataloging of their "inventory" is obviously a ploy to avoid paying direct royalties, but the bigger trend - just as it was in music and visual media - is that free samples and even free entire volumes will ultimately boost or at least support sales of actual hard copy books. Most people still enjoy the…

This new format is not almost human, it's far from human. It's Corporate.

I want you in my foxhole, if you know what I mean.

The true music of rebellion and revolution today is Country Waltz. And Reggaetone. And Sub Saharan Hip Hop. And Calypso Rap. And Lana Del Rey.

Wait, is Wolf trying to say that pounding the Pizza Boy makes a person gay? Even if the Pizza Boy forgot my bottle of Fresca?

Sold! Please make mine with a nifty dorsal fin.

Yes, it was downtown, and I had the impression it was a touristy spot, so maybe it was Gino's. I was totally baffled having heard so many stories from friends and acquaintances about how great is the real Chicago deep dish.

Seriously, that guy's work is only tolerable after I've had two or eight fingers of my choice spirit. OK, enough chit chat for now, this case of rare single malt isn't going to drink itself. Cheers.

OK, Which one is MJ, the Cheese or the Sauce?

And the added bonus of anchovies on your pizza is just about nobody ever even thinks of pilfering an anchovy slice. Anchovies are an effective and delicious method of deterring pizza slice theft. Or sharing.

Wherever you are in the world I can overnight you a Philly Cheese Steak from Geno's. No, from Pat's. No, no, from Jim's. Geno's?! Pat's?! Jim's?! The world is too complex.

A Labrador Retriever wrote that description. So you can add devious and vain to their list of qualities.

Chicago has little choice but to accept NY pizza or NY will bury its foot in Chi-town's deep dish ass.

That's the spiel we tell ourselves when we're too broke to buy a real pizza.

Alright, good Chicago Deep Dish is delicious, no question, but the simple elegant perfection of a pristine NY slice is a transcendent experience on the order of a spiritual epiphany. Angels materialize, woodland creatures pause in their tracks, and morbidly obese dieters guzzle Liquid Plumr.