Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee. Never went, "Ha!"

I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it.

I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it.

Ovaltine. Have you ever had this stuff? Why is it called Ovaltine?

Ovaltine. Have you ever had this stuff? Why is it called Ovaltine?

Prognosis Negative!

Prognosis Negative!

You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever comin' to Houston! Not as long as you bastards are running things!

You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever comin' to Houston! Not as long as you bastards are running things!

Yeah, yeah, like it's just part of the conversation. “Oh my boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak.” We-e-ell that's fabulous!

Yeah, yeah, like it's just part of the conversation. “Oh my boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak.” We-e-ell that's fabulous!

Oh. It's just horse manure.  Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word “manure.” You know, it's, it's “newer,” which is good. and a “ma” in front of it. Ma-newer. When you consider the other choices, “manure” is actually pretty refreshing.

Oh. It's just horse manure.  Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word “manure.” You know, it's, it's “newer,” which is good. and a “ma” in front of it. Ma-newer. When you consider the other choices, “manure” is actually pretty refreshing.

No.
Korea.
What?
Korea.
Hamstring.
Hotel.

No.
Korea.
What?
Korea.
Hamstring.
Hotel.

You know… I was alone…

You know… I was alone…

You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. You know, it's like, "All right that's enough, you're through."  It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball.

You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. You know, it's like, "All right that's enough, you're through."  It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball.

Hi. I-I really should be getting back to my fiancee, you know, we, uh, we had this big fight yesterday and, uh, well she, she wants to-to know my secret code. I-I don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing is, you know, I would really love to tell someone 'cause it's killing me. You uh, you wanna know what it is?…