Shirley: I've never been a captain before.
Pierce: I have I commanded a jet ski through an electrical storm and only had one casualty.
Troy: Jet skis only hold two people.
Pierce: Exactly, I saved half the crew.

Britta: Someone's mom gave them way too much praise.
Jeff: Man, so did someone's psych teacher.

Thanks but I'll have to get a second opinion from someone in my basket weaving class.
-Jeff

I hope I get multiple personalities. I get lonely in long showers.
-Troy

Oh my god, Pierce is going to be the only person ever to drown in a parking lot… twice.
-Troy

Annie: I want to be security.
Shirley: Let's do it together, we can be partners.
Abed:
That's a buddy cop movie I would watch. Which one of you would be the
by-the-books cop and which of you would be the bad ass?
Shirley: Oh, Abed, you're so silly. I'd be the bad ass.

Don't be Mike Brady. Mike Brady's not sexy. You should be like Jo from Facts of Life.
-Britta

Troy: You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, he always
went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed
on it.
Pierce: Calvin Coolidge?

I hate Glee! I don't see its appeal at all.
Jeff

I can't say no to those big doe eyes. It's like strangling a mermaid with a bike chain.
Jeff

Annie: How much effort am I worth?
Jeff: I'd break a light sweat.

Slater: We need to talk.
Jeff: Are you breaking up with me?
Slater: Oh, good. Guess we don't need to talk.

Abed: I hate when they finish each other's…
Troy:… pies.

A switch is a stick she can use to whoop you with. Cherish, Britta. Cherish.
-Troy

The kid's gonna be a star, he's a young "the asian guy from Lost."
-Abed

Abed: Do you like Britta?
Jeff: Sure, who doesn't?
Abed: Over half the people that meet her.

She has more fights about something that doesn't matter than a YouTube comments channel.
-Jeff

Looks like the law from of Slumdog and Seacrest is taking the day off.
-Chang

You look about ready to marry Courtney Love.
Britta [to hungover Jeff]

That was the first 20 seconds of a 40 minute conversation. Very informative.
-Britta