Chang: We're going to get frozen yogurt.
Pierce [getting on Chang's scooter]: I'm not gay man, they close in seven minutes.
Troy: I could have driven you.
Chang: You said he hated froyo.
Pierce: Just drive!
Troy: Slut!

Oh it's a drawing of Abed with hearts all around it. Strictly speaking, the bible condemns this level of friendship.
-Shirley

It's just like the Notebook, only instead of Alzheimer's, Abed has … someone who likes him.
-Annie

Troy: Abed, what are you doing?
Abed: Being myself.
Troy: Go be yourself by Jenny.
Abed: I wouldn't go over there.
Pierce: How do you know that?
Abed: A lifetime of observation mostly.

Coach: You're not in uniform
Jeff: Yeah about that. We seriously have to play pool in shorts?
Coach: If you play in this class it's regulation.
Jeff: Regulation pool or regulation you?

Two people of your rankings in this small room, with this type of
lighting, and his upper body, and what her heels and hemlines are doing
to enhance what were already quite a few favors from God. It's all
the more important to keep it tasteful.
Dean Pelton

Vaughn doesn't ever wear shoes or a shirt. How has he not died from a lack of service?
-Jeff

What are you, my third wife's therapist?
-Pierce

I am Punch-Kicker. My punches have the strength of kicks.
-Punch-Kicker

Okay, if you're going to get all Upper East Side about this I think we're done.
-Britta

When you guys first came in we were as wholesome and healthy as the
family in The Brady Bunch. And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous
as the cast of The Brady Bunch.
-Abed

Actually, everyone is my bro in the whole entire universe because everything is connected. Rocks… eagles… hats.
-Vaughn

That's G, the most important chord. In my mind, it stands for God.
-Vaughn

My brother died on the set of that movie! One of the mechanical
spiders just went haywire and tore him to pieces, and Tom Selleck just
stood there and watched him die.
Pierce

Pierce: What's the matter? Mama Chang didn't breast feed?
Chang: "She read in a book that it wouldn't make a difference.

Jeff: You started having sex with Britta's ex-boyfriend!
Annie: What? We haven't even kissed.
Pierce: That doesn't mean you're not having sex.

One Papa John's commercial and he thinks he's Christian Bale.
-Abed

If this article breaks out, I can apply for journalism scholarships.
Nobody will care about my time in rehab if they think I'm a writer!
Annie

I'm so happy I just peed a little.
Abed

I'm sure you guys have a natural rapport and timing, and you're
scared that adding a new member might through everything off of its
natural [CUT TO TITLE SEQUENCE]