Greendale needs a win. The best compliment our sports program gets is that our basketball team is really gay.

Professor Whitman: A little trick for achieving the proper competitive
mindset: I always envision my opponent having aggressive sex with my
mother

Abed: That's my newspaper.
Shirley: What do you need the paper for? You knew what was going to happen yesterday, you Middle Eastern magic 8-ball.

Annie: What's wrong?
Jeff: There's this weird pain right above my eyebrow.
Annie: It's called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

While you're under so deep, you'll find yourself attracted to…
slightly older men. Perhaps some barrel-chested stud with just enough
tummy to love. You want to buy him dinner then go back to his hot tub.
Perhaps you'll invite one of your friends to join us for a three-way.
Maybe someone with low self-esteem and…

Jeffrey, your preparation was impeccable. You remind me of a young me, with slightly worse hair.
-Professor Whitman

Dean: I'm here to kick off the first day of a new tradition at our school called Green Week
Pierce: What? First we get a month of black history, now we're blowing seven days on the Irish.

Dean [about the Environdale Posters]: We need to redo these.
Asst: We printed five thousand.
Dean: Well print five thousand more. I'm trying to save a planet here!

In a way all of you are right. Okay, what was I tuning out?
-Jeff

What makes you think I can make Senor Chang do anything if I can't convince you guys not to make me do it?
-Jeff

Senor Chang: Pickled bull testicle?
Jeff: Are you offering or collecting?

Annie: Are you breaking up with the group?
Jeff: If that's what you want. [walks away]
Pierce: I've been divorced seven times. Turns off your cell phones and bury all your money in the backyard.

Downgrading your lifestyle is your chance to grow as a person, maybe even become one.
Britta [to Jeff]

Love is a gamble always, but waiting won't change the dice. Either you roll them or you lose your turn
Shirley [to Annie]

TV's the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk. TV never
forgot me at the zoo. TV never abused and insulted me… unless you
count Cop Rock
-Jeff

Maybe you're one of those rare people with nothing underneath the
surface. Maybe, if you put stain remover on a turd, you don't get a
diamond. You just get a turd, with less direction in life
-Britta

Abed: Jeff, did I say anything in my sleep last night about farm animals or Brian Williams?
Jeff: …I don't think so.
Abed: Cool. Cool, cool, cool(edit)!

The next person that offers me pity will be mentioned by name in my suicide note
-Jeff

Jeff: Every piece of that condo is a piece of my life
Britta: Is that a bidet?
Jeff: That part is for resale value and Saturday afternoons

Abed: Sometimes I like to pour hot chocolate mix into cold milk and drink it with hot cocoa, I call it special drink
Jeff: And some day you will know it by its true name, diabetes