Draw the tape worm out of him with the bowl of milk that is your sexuality
Abed [to Britta about Jeff]

Pierce [to Britta]: Have you thought about hypnotherapy? I know a great hypno therapist
Jeff [to Britta]: Ten to one says it's him

Dean: What's it gonna take? A plum park space, free meals, a night of companionship, if you know what I mean?
Jeff: I'll do it for the parking space and if you promise not to tell mean what you mean

Jeffrey, as debate coach, I am offering you an opportunity to spend
the night drinking from the cup of life rather than romancing your
nether regions in front of the E! channel
-Professor Whitman

Abed [about Jeff and Britta]: Will they or won't they, sexual tension
Jeff: Abed, it make the group uncomfortable when you talk about the group like we're characters in a show you're watching
Abed: That's sort of my gimmick, but we did lean on that pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode

Annie: I've been following you, how did you get Troy to play football?
Jeff: I'm not having a conversation with someone that emerged from a bush
Annie: Because I'm right?
Jeff: No, because I'm not in a commercial for a breakfast cereal

Shirley: I need to go to the bathroom first, Britta?
Britta: No, I don't have to go
Annie: I'll go with you
Britta: What, she's offended?
Jeff: Girls go in groups, did you learn nothing from stand up comedy in the nineties?

I'm sure Troy will sign up for football if and when some accident damages the part of his brain that feels pride

Shirley: My husband's been gone for six months, I think it's time I start embracing being single
Pierce: Message received

I'm barely a student. I'm older than you, I drive a Lexus, I saw Ghost Busters in the theater, and look, my gums are receding
-Jeff

Jeff: Are you trying to get formidable on me?
Annie: It worked on Pierce.
Jeff: Infomercials work on Pierce

Jeff: Are you going to the faculty party? Make me your plus one
Senor Chang: Give it up, Winger. Professor Slater doesn't date students… or married Asians that drive mopeds

Jeff: In the last two months you've doubled the national average for the amount lived per life time
Pierce: Well I do have a young African American friend
Jeff: But more importantly you're dressed like a gladiator in a desk fort you built during a bad trip

Dean Pelton : Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie.

Let's say two people are in a class together and one wants to ask
another one out on a grownup date.. but within biking distance of his
parents house
-Troy

Britta: Are you okay? It looks like you have actual bedhead this morning.
Jeff: In fashion, I'm what's known as a taste-maker.
Britta: And you missed an entire side of your face shaving.
Jeff: And next month, so will Gwen Stefani

Professor Duncan: Not to be all particular, but you're not a professor
Senor Chang: Maybe because I don't look like Ron Weasley
Professor Duncan: That's the reason, that's the qualifying factor

Britta: You're just doing all this because you want to have sex with me, you don't even want to be my friend
Jeff: Wait a minute. Is that what you thought I meant? Britta, look at me
Britta: I am
Jeff: No, look how handsome my face is. If all I wanted was sex, I could get
it from plenty of women without having to go…

Jeff: Everyone on this campus is nuts
Leonard [in pool]: Not me!
Jeff: Oh come on Leonard, if you're going to argue with me, put on a bathing suit
Leonard: Busted

I thought pushing that woman's head through a jukebox would make me feel better, but I'm just out $54…and a marriage.
-Shirley