I failed Annie. I'm no more of a song writer than you or Billy Joel.
-Pierce

You listen up, Pierce! I'm gonna tell you what my mother told me
when I wanted to quit cheerleading. 'You're not very pretty, you have no
boobs, and you can't do a basket toss to save your life.' But you made a
commitment. So pick up your pompoms, Pierce, stuff your bra, and get
ready for the team bus to forget you at…

Dean Pelton: Well look at this group having some of meeting and being so
diverse. There is just, boy! There is just one of every kind of you,
isn't there?
Pierce: Well, we are missing a pipsqueak, but we don't want one, so beat it!
Britta: Ah, Pierce, that's the dean

Britta: I'm willing to try some more mainstream feminine stuff.
Jeff: Well, then you should know that nothing says "I'm a woman" like… doing it with me.
Britta: Nothing says "I'm a pig" like you

Jeff: This decision has to be yours, T-Bone. And this decision has to be yes.
Troy: How did you know my nickname was T-Bone?
Jeff: Because you're a football player. And your name begins with "T."

Jeff: You're just as selfish as I am. You're just not as good at it yet.
Annie: You're right. I could never be as good as you. Probably because I actually care.
Jeff: Profound, but technically meaningless.

I don't know about you, but I know I ended up here because things
weren't that great out there. You should try accepting where you're at,
man. Take a pottery class or something
Troy to Jeff

Jeff: I'm saying you're a football player, its in your blood
Troy: That's racists
Jeff: Your soul?
Troy: That's racist
Jeff: Your eyes?
Troy: That's gay
Jeff: That's homophoebic
Troy: That's black
Jeff: That's racist!
Troy: Damn

Britta: Aren't you supposed to have an Olympic gold medal in gibber jabber
Jeff: Yeah, but I'm a sprinter. I'm at my best during high speed bursts of wit.

Britta: Hey Vaugn, what's up?
Vaughn: No worries
Jeff: Interesting, cause I might be worried if I was playing hacky sack a decade too late

Britta: The problem right now is that he's calling me
"baby." He's trying to hold my hands. It's… it's getting a little
relationshipy and… he gave me something.
Jeff: Herpes?

Shirley: I don't see why you and Britta aren't together, two cute white people going to school together, it just seems right
Jeff: Shirley, we're not pandas in a zoo.

Professor Duncan: I never should have let you into this lab, Miss Annie Fanny, panties in a bunch
Annie: Oh that's so hilarious, did you think of that last time you skipped a trip to the dentist?

Shirley: Look, we can still hang out. It's just… we won't bag on people.
Shirley: Come on, Jeff, what are we going to talk about? My- kids? Your doctor career?
Jeff: I was a lawyer.
Shirley: See, I'm already bored.

I'm not looking down on this school at all, but I'm only here
because of a brief addiction to pills that I was told will help me
focus, but they actually made me lose my scholarship and virginity
- Annie

Troy: I'm president Obama's nephew
Abed: You never mentioned that before
Troy: I didn't know if I could trust you, but now it's time to tell you everything, starting with we invented the Ferrari.

Professor Duncan: Good morning. How is student life, my dry-witted friend?
Jeff: Probably the same as teacher life, but less tragic, because I get to leave.
Professor Duncan: Very dry. Very witty. Not a great friend

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
-Abed

Annie, why are you acting like a mistress in a Lifetime movie?
- Jeff

eff: So I guess the cell phone number you put on the study group contact
sheet was fake, which I just learned in the awkward conclusion of a
month long text message affair with a dude from Boulder.
Britta: Sorry.
Jeff: That's okay, just give me your real number and I'll cleanse my pallet while Kevin rethinks his marriage