Abed's Dad: Dreams are for sleeping
Britta: You don't know that
Abed's Dad: It's clinically proven

Britta: Did you do all that to me on purpose? That's not a very nice way to treat your friends
Abed: Well, Britta, it isn't called friend business, it's called show business [lights up a cigarette and leaves the room]
Britta: He's smoking!
Jeff: Honey, let him leave the nest

Jeff: I'm actually a Spanish tutor.
Britta: Can you say that in Spanish now?

We're the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week.
Jeff

I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films.
Abed

Jeff: You did seem less into integrity the day that I convinced 12 of
your peers that the day you made a U-turn on the freeway and tried to
order chalupas from the emergency call box, that your only real crime
was loving America.
Professor Duncan: Well, I do love America. I love it very much. I love chalupas.

Come on, hands people! It's 90% of Spanish

I may not be good with facial expressions, but I know an evil
doppelganger when I see one. Plus, your arm makes a noise every time you
move it.
Abed

The teachers here are teachers because they did something wrong—same as the students!
Jeff

There are two things I don't do well—apologies and drawing duck bills.
Buzz Hickey

Pierce: I can't have children. I'm not sterile. In fact, it's a rare
condition they call it hyper virility. Apparently my sperm shoot
through the egg if you can believe it
Jeff: I can't, but you can, so that's fine

Pierce: Let's have one drink before we work … to the empowerment of words
Jeff: To the irony of that sentence

Abed: "The Cape" was cancelled.
Evil Abed: Not here—they've re-tooled it for cable and it's awesome. Wanna see it?
Abed: Desperately.

Being a virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of. You're like a unicorn!
Shirley

I passed all the classes, so now I just do yoga while the teachers write down my wisdoms.
Troy

Evil Troy: I've been counting our bullets. One of us it out.
Troy: Is it you?
Evil Troy: Yes.
Troy: Why would you tell me that?

Repo man: Maybe you should have spent less money on special effects.
Jeff: Thanks a lot, Francis Ford Repo Man.

Maybe we should brainstorm fundraising ideas that AREN'T bake sales
OR zoos where the humans are in cages and the animals come to visit.
Annie

The woman I kind of like is out there in the moonlight caring about
something stupid. This my chance to show her I care enough to act like I
care about it too
Jeff

They're a rising star in pharmaceuticals. They invented fibromyalgia AND the cure for fibromyalgia
-Annie