I will upvote you for excellent comment/username synergy.

I can attest that Clayton Purdom is indeed his real name. I am not at liberty to reveal why I can speak with such authority on the matter but I think I have earned enough credibility around here so that you will all take me at my word.

He's like Nathan Fielder but without all of the things about Nathan Fielder that make Nathan his generation's Laurence Olivier / Charlie Chaplin or perhaps his generation's Dolly Parton / Robert Redford but with smaller boobs.

I am a globally renowned hydrologist and have won Nobel Prizes in the fields of downward velocity and wet turbidity and own 14 patents on Jamaican swimsuit friction. I am confident that my peers (of which neither of you are, let me be clear) will support my article now submitted to the Journal of Waterpark Dynamics…

This is the greatest comment-fail in the history of the AV Club. It is now immortal and you for making it.

6.

I was in Philadelphia and ordered mustard on a Philly Cheese Steak and in Chicago and ordered ketchup on a hot dog. I'm a bad ass non-conformist motherfucker and there is nothing that any of you can do about it.

Let's figure out why this article was a flop:

Fucking clickbait.

Here the joke on those stupid ducks: bread is bad for ducks. This article provides more information on the subject:

Premier Gallant, will you please put down your phone in the middle of this Cabinet meeting. It is very difficult to explain this tax policy recommendation if you're not paying attention.

What I don't know is why it shouldn't stay unknown. This all strikes me as a terrible invasion of his privacy. Ditto for other celebrity suicides.

So weird. There's a Lt. Broccoli comment appropriate to be reposted for pretty much any occasion!

Here's something else you now know about Brotherhood of the Wolf: it's awesome.

This article was OK I suppose but way too short. Surely there were aspects of the topic unexplored. Editor is being far too aggressive.

Pretty sure we saw Chekov's truncheon in an earlier scene.

Oh, I think Varga has been around - he's a man of wealth and taste. I bet he was in St. Petersburg when he saw there was a time for a change; rode a tank and held a general's rank when the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank; and laid traps for troubadors who got killed before they reached Bombay.

While it could certainly turn out to be wrong in the end, I think that it will remain ambiguous which particular organized crime is behind this. I think that, just like Malvo appeared out of nowhere as a random evil appearance, so appears Varga. It's not really relevant where he came from or why. Sometimes evil just…

Ewan McGregor is one of the great actors of his generation.

The fact that this particular internet comment section is even paying attention to the article rather than re-capping Jeopardy, making puns, or coming up with increasingly unlikely movie sequel titles indicates that people have a deep level of respect for the journalism therein.