I'll send you to the wall.

http://instantrimshot.com/

Thank God Terry's here to put everyone in their place!

Don't bother. You should see the price of a squashed strawberry alleycat at one of these shows.

Lopez-is-a-la-zy-maaaaannn…

Those are guys!

I assure you I'm just a nondescript ex-husband of a vindictive woman, and not a clearly insane person.

Forget it. Every time I go to Toronto, some guy picks me up at the bus station, takes me to a Leafs game, gets me pissed, then tries to blow me.

You're going about this the wrong way.

There is a book that never comes out…

Being without insurance is one of the main reasons I haven't gone. Yeah, it's been awhile since I was insured. I wish it was the only reason, though. I really am irrationally afraid of dentistry (dentists are good people, I'm sure - I'm not some kind of anti-dentite). Of course, the longer I wait, the worse things…

I like this advise, except for the part about going to the dentist.

Thank you. Hey, at least your still look good. I'm not quite Shane McGowan over here, but in ten years I may be.

I don't think I have, but I can't be sure. The AF discography is all a-jumble in my head.

I'd like to see Winston working for Saul Goodman.

This morning I couldn't find my wallet. I went out to the front porch, where I smoke, and looked for it there. No go. However, there was a big old cat shit out on the porch. We don't have a cat, and said shit was not there yesterday. So I became convinced that I'd dropped it on the porch last night while I was…

"Missouri Valley Western"

My teeth are falling apart, but I'm terrified of dentistry (one reason my teeth are falling apart). What do I do?

Sometimes I say "when someone you eat it" when people get tongue tied. They think I'm a jackass. I think I'm a jackass.

The AV Club
My Dick Hurts