I don't think you understood the article. 

Totally true. Where the fuck am I supposed to find the Coasters on my local dial?

No, you're not understanding his point. His point is that the attitudes of most of the 90's "rock" bands directly clash with the attitudes of some of the 80's bands and most, if not all, of the 70's and 60's rock bands. Basically, that "classic rock" isn't shorthand for "nostalgia," that "classic rock" has a feel and…

"Some of the most lively rock of the 90's that was played on mainstream radio," is what I think you meant to say.
And, of course, I completely agree with Heller's position here. Pearl Jam killed mainstream rock n roll with their incredibly lame, neutered version of it.

Yes.

Or that one guy that dated your cousin or whatever that had the real shitty weed and put rims on his Buick even though his license was suspended.

Like a huffer?

Unless of course that other team is the World Champion Green Bay Packers.

That's not Mac Miller. I think that's that dude that works down at Foot Locker. Dale. The guy with the tricked out Mazda.

I'm a pro. The trick is to relax the tear ducts.

At least they had the right capitolization.

That is too fucking good. My money is on Roseanne's weird sister.

A blind person would be able to detect the scent of foreskin on his lips.

You're forgetting that we're discussing perhaps the most deluded group on the planet: actors. I'm with Lack of Name here, this reeks of a never-has-been.

She just doesn't have very strong eye muscles, okay?

Joy Luck Club 2: Fist of the Lotus Dragon

It's Johnny Depp.

I'm fully aroused.

DiCaprio as Michael Jackson

It's a prequel. It's called Wednesday.