*Bane breaks friend's back*

I dunno. His complexion is too ruddy for my tastes.

I'm not mad, I'm proud of you. You took your first TV pitch like a man and you learned two great things in your life.

This is the premier of my new art installation, "Lohan-as-Allegory:  The Rise and Fall of America". Please experience the tragedy by viewing each piece in order.

I feel forcibly tied up, gangraped, beaten, and shat upon every time I post something that gets no Likes.

*urine streams down pantsleg*

I just looked up Christina Hendricks's age and discovered that she's 36. I always assumed she was in her late 20s!

Mark my words:  this'll be the season where they try to make up for their budget problems by shoehorning in some of that whiz-bang action of a network show.

Johnny Depp is going to play Jiminy Cricket. Also, he's going to be in every scene and on every poster.

I can't wait to fast forward through the show to get to the plugs!

I'm still waiting for American Girl with the Dragon Tattoo dolls.

Franco is in the eye of the Franco.

Don't they know we're over a decade into the next Willennium? http://youtu.be/b4slV7jvj4I

Russell is going to be doing a lot of pinky swearing to everyone in these comments. He came to my door just a few minutes ago, and I expect he'll be visiting all of you soon.

"I leave you, hoping that the lamp of liberty will burn in your bosoms."

"Tina Frederick is neither bad nor good. She is a non-entity who would have lived and died without me even being aware of her existence, were it not for the AVClub saying mean things about her. Even now, I will forget her in less than an hour. I will not miss the memory because my life will continue without even the…

Didn't you read the story? His tongue-color tendon was severed by a gang of 11 bar maids with a homemade bicycle chainsaw in Taiwan.

It's the perfect time for it. His grandma just died and he is fluuuu-uuuuuu-UUUUUUsh with cash.

What Community needs to do is dress itself up as a slutty, tasteless, four-camera sitcom, then walk into NBC and pass itself off as a new show. All the execs would fall in love immediately and allow it to go back on the air.

Ah, I didn't know that Michael Bay is the director.