More like Anthony Bore-dain, turkey.

She does. I know.

She does. I know.

@avclub-e03518408ba3251eab84fa54bb4c3dc5:disqus , we got a prime seat for ya at Bolo Grill next time you take a trip to New York. Ask for me personally, I'll cook you a southwestern lambchop with the chipotle marmalade.

@avclub-e03518408ba3251eab84fa54bb4c3dc5:disqus , we got a prime seat for ya at Bolo Grill next time you take a trip to New York. Ask for me personally, I'll cook you a southwestern lambchop with the chipotle marmalade.

He's a douchebag who brags about how much drinking and drugging he does and wears band t-shirts to look cool. He IS the AV Club.

He's a douchebag who brags about how much drinking and drugging he does and wears band t-shirts to look cool. He IS the AV Club.

Hey, are we talkin Alton Brown?

Hey, are we talkin Alton Brown?

I loved when he threw up into the water supply and took down half of the lower east side.

I loved when he threw up into the water supply and took down half of the lower east side.

What about a suave Irish celebrity chef with a 12-inch pud?

What about a suave Irish celebrity chef with a 12-inch pud?

Hot, smoking anus? Isn't that what Alton Brown gets after his "assistant" Bruce pays him a visit?

Hot, smoking anus? Isn't that what Alton Brown gets after his "assistant" Bruce pays him a visit?

Sit on it, @avclub-6c6094f256f51e83fe02bce6091163e7:disqus .

Sit on it, @avclub-6c6094f256f51e83fe02bce6091163e7:disqus .

No, he snorts now. The track marks were getting too bad for Travel Channel's insurance to ignore.

No, he snorts now. The track marks were getting too bad for Travel Channel's insurance to ignore.

How ya doin AV Club? I see you're still on Bourdain's jock pretty hardcore, no surprise there. We'll be talkin real soon, I got Guy Fieri ghost-writing my novel right now, Chipotle Nation. It's a fictional story of a fiery Irish chef with a penchant for southwest grillin and a 14 inch unit. I plan on shopping it…