How ya doin AV Club? I see you're still on Bourdain's jock pretty hardcore, no surprise there. We'll be talkin real soon, I got Guy Fieri ghost-writing my novel right now, Chipotle Nation. It's a fictional story of a fiery Irish chef with a penchant for southwest grillin and a 14 inch unit. I plan on shopping it…

It's a T-shirt Anthony Bourdain wears to try to convince people he's not a geriatric nothing.

Ladies, let's start a line right here, we'll narrow you down to the top three contenders, then have a My Balls Throwdown! in honor of Valentine's Day.

No disappointment here, Dikachu.

Hey Lenny, Anthony Bourdain called, he wants his catcher's mitt of a face back!

Hey, @avclub-efb3d8be0319721ef751da0b05d9f6a5:disqus , the only thing running past you is Paula Deen on her way to the chocolate fountain at Golden Corral! Hows that for a gimmick, ding dong?

Hey, when I saw this title, I thought it was going to star Paula Deen! or Emeril! or Guy Fieri!

Dead-on impression of Alton Brown face-banging Bourdain's post-OD body.

You haven't lived until you've shared rails with Samantha Brown on the deck of Judd Nelson's yacht.

Hey thanks for the kind words, Ras, let me know the next time you're in the Big Apple, I'll grill ya up a rack of ribs that'll knock your skinny jeans off.

I heard Bourdain lost his last cooking contest when he burnt a hole in the bottom of his favorite spoon.

Come on, ElDan, the only thing more damaged than Bourdain's psyche are the crooks of his arms.

How ya doin, chillax, I couldn't agree more with you. If you're dining on a budget tonight, hows about tryin Bobby's Burger Palace instead:

There was probably a good bit of eyerolling going on in the room, too, I hear that's the only way Bourdain can find a clean vein at this point.

Between Maron and Bourdain, I'm surprised you could hear any conversation over the two gigantic monkeys on their backs!

Hey, how ya doin Claire? Master Chef Bobby Flay here and I just gotta say, don't let these ding-dongs tell you how to do your job. You listened to the show, you heard the ego and heroin sweat oozing through the mic, and you called 'em on it. Back in New York, we call that real talk.

I understand why you say that now, but you might change your mind this February when Bobby's Totally FLAYed Out drops, featuring my brand new hit, "Skrilla For the Grilla", plus a Chef Morimoto diss track.

How we doin tonight, AV Club? I see you're throwing the Bravo network a bone and sponsoring this show about a rich executive's kid and his dream to burn up as much of his old man's money as possible. I give this pipsqueak four or five episodes before he hits the unemployment line. The only THROWDOWNs this junior…

Morimoto is lucky I didn't cut off his faggy ponytail and dance a jig on his Buddha belly after that supreme stomping.

Bourdain fucked food culture by making it about wearing a CBGB's shirt and leather jacket and looking cool smoking cigarettes, rather than actually cooking some decent food.