How we doin, AV Club, it's ya boy Bobby Flay. I'm sitting here enjoying a nice scotch with a twist of chipotle-soaked jalapeno and what do I discover? Yet another article full of jabronis that couldn't fry their way out of an airport Chili's, when meanwhile you got access to the all-time greatest Iron Chef champion…

You forgot the fourth B: Bobby. Come get yourself a plate of quadruple chipotle chicken at one of my Mesa Grills, and tell em who sent ya.

Alton Brown told me this one time and I told him he needed to go to the funny farm!!

How we doin, AV Club? It's ya boy Bobby Flay, checking in to offer some support for my boy Ad-Rich. At first I thought he was just a fat slob frat boy just like the rest of you, but I shared a bottle of whiskey and a handful of xannies with him after the premiere of Masterchef Junior season 3 and I can definitely tell…

This reminds me of the time on Beat Bobby Flay when I labeled the wastebasket "Guy Fieri's lunch" and that mongoloid ate it before we could tell him not to.

I once saw him do a rail the size of my thumb.

Better than his usual description: Gay Lord.

Hey, chooch, I got your meta right here: I once "meta" shaved orangutan that turned out to be Guy Fieri.

Hey, Teti, it's ya boy Bobby Flay!

Sure, they recreate the excitement of talking with a sixty year old heroin addict without actually having to go to a back alley.

You're a good shit, The Uvular Suspects, we should hit a titty bar together sometime.

Hey how we doin AV Club, it's ya boy Bobby Flay back from a long hiatus. I got a message for this Laura Wade, thank you for doing God's work here, sweetheart. Next time you're in the Big Apple stop in at Mesa Grill and I'll fire you up my favorite chipotle pork chops, free of charge! Anybody looking to get this junkie…

Suck my fat Irish dick.

Hey how we doin Titty Boy, it's Bobby Flay and I'm here with an offer that'll knock your socks off! This picture needs some star power, baby, and this seems like a perfect way for me to get out of the Food Network ghetto. Shoot me an email at AltonBrownisaFruit@gmail.com, we'll do lunch.

Hey, Mal, I like your style, champ, why don't you come down to Mesa Grill, I'll give you 15% off a chipotle bloody mary that'll knock your socks off!

All Alton Brown is an expert on is bowties and takin it up the keyster!

Hey, baby, you cross the Big Apple, you cross me!

Hey how we doin' AV Club? It's ya boy Bobby Flay.

Hey how about a nice plate of chipotle lasagna on the house, champ?

Whatcha need, chach?