Everyone knows those comics are full of lies and exaggerations! I am currently suing Stan Lee and Steve Ditko, who may or may not be dead, for flagrant character assasination! 

Lasagna Stealing Cats: Threat or Menace?!

Leave Ann Coulter out of this! She took me under her wing when I was starting as a copy boy, and taught me everything I know about journalism! The reader is your enemy! Pummel him into submission with the force of your vitriol!

Something, something corn cob.

Those blankety blank sons of blanks over at Wizard or Blizzard or Lizard magazine or something said that Paul Gialatti or whatever his name is ought to play me in a movie about Spider-Man! Can you belive that?! The guy from Lady in the Water as America's most trusted and beloved journalistic pater familias? Not Robert…

PICTURES! GET ME PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN!

I've asked Robbie to explain rappity rap music to me a few times, but he just sighs at me, shakes his head and walks away.

Col. Rhodes is alright though. Clean cut, well spoken, and kills terrorists like nobody's business.

Tony Stark cheats at golf! He breezes into the country club, in his fitted polo shirt and designer shades, making light of my traditional golfing clothes, making crude jokes about 'foursomes,' with some model or dancer or Olivia Wilde on his arm (whoever she is), dropping fat stacks of cash as tips JUST to make my…

Groot! Get me pictures of Groot!

All theaters showing the Soup to Nuts Spider-Man or whatever that wall crawlling weirdo is calling himself these days ought to have a rotting vegetable stand outside so the audience can pcik up some ammunition and do something useful with their time!

First off, I know who Black Widow. Second, I run a family paper here, so let's just say it would be easier to list the people she hasn't 'dated' if you catch my drift.

Descriptions! Get me descriptions of Daredevil! Sorry, I just can't get that excited over this fella.

There are some horrible, slanderous rumors about the late Gwen Stacy that I will not repeat here….

What if they cast Tom Hardy? Answer me that little missy! Actually, now that I think about it, Hardy might be passable as a young crusading journalist fated to become New York's most trusted news source…

This guy doesn't even have red corn rows!

Sure, it may not be politically correct to criticize Richards after giving things like wifi router toaster ovens and extra dimensional prisons that violate every statute of that panty waisted Geneva Convention to society, but he and his capering band of blue mummers lost all credibility when they let the KNOWN…

Get me pictures! Pictures of Pyuma Man!

There's only one J. Jonah Jameson, baby!

Sean O'Neal is a menace!