What is this? Some kind of flagrant, unauthorized impersonation? I'll sue you to the fullest extent of the law, you rat fink! I already had to put the kibosh on Miramax's unauthorized biopic staring Daniel Day Lewis after that pompous jackanape was crowing about how many awards he was going to win playing me! He was…

Even my black, stony, unsentimental heart was charmed by the lovely Ms. Stone! She's delightful!

Even my black, stony, unsentimental heart was charmed by the lovely Ms. Stone! She's delightful!

Maybe this time they'll finally get around to casting the true hero of the story: ME!

Maybe this time they'll finally get around to casting the true hero of the story: ME!

Here here! No more Spider-Man movies! Only Spider-Man articles, exclusive to The Daily Bugle!

Here here! No more Spider-Man movies! Only Spider-Man articles, exclusive to The Daily Bugle!

FLAGGED! AND YOU'RE FIRED!

FLAGGED! AND YOU'RE FIRED!

MS. BRANT!!!!

MS. BRANT!!!!

Under new zoo director Peter Gabriel, I see.

Under new zoo director Peter Gabriel, I see.

That's called marriage, kid!

That's called marriage, kid!

Good! Gimick posters are a menace! A menace you hear me! Get me pictures! Pictures of Leslie Knope Headlines!

Good! Gimick posters are a menace! A menace you hear me! Get me pictures! Pictures of Leslie Knope Headlines!

Exactly! I'm not a bigot! I hate everyone equally!

Exactly! I'm not a bigot! I hate everyone equally!

Misandrist Invective Leveld at America! Hanna "Hammer" Rosin Declares Gendercide on Hard Working American Men!