One side, Lee! Let a real publisher show you how it's done! Alright you costumed clown, I've got a proposition for you! If you do somehow end up crossing dimensions in that mashugana doohickey, I'd be willing to pay you $1 million* to set up an elaborate trap to bring that nattering nogodnick Spider-Man to justice! Or…

You're all wet Sims! This show is the pits! Why don't you write about a real hero? Like my son, brave, intrepid, clean cut, All American handsome astronaut Col. John Jameson? And he is single ladies.

You're all wet Sims! This show is the pits! Why don't you write about a real hero? Like my son, brave, intrepid, clean cut, All American handsome astronaut Col. John Jameson? And he is single ladies.

"Peter and MJ assume that as proof that the Daily Bugle pundit has a heart."

I know, right?!

What?! Who's this Garfield fella? He's Spider-Man? Get me Garfield!! I want Garfield!! $1000 for pictures and a $5000 for any tips or hints that lead to his arrest and/or being run out of town on a rail! What are you all standing around for! Move!!!

Spider-Man in League With Greasy Canadian Butt Rockers! Dasterdly Cadre Menaces America's Ears With Bad Eddie Vedder Impression!

Buster, you don't know the half of it!

It's too gritty! Too gritty to run in the Daily Bugle! I'll give you a hundred bucks for it! Scratch that, fifty bucks and a cupon to Ihop! That's my final offer!

Parker?! That goldbricking layabout? Who would want to make a movie about him?!

Ms. Brant, call security.

What is this garbage polluting the airwaves, this website, and the minds of America's children?! Filth, I say! Filth! Spider-Man is a menace! A threat to all law abiding citizens! And Iron Man needs to be strung up by his tin plated underoos for aiding and abetting a wanted criminal!

Get me pictures! Pictures of Spider-Toast!

Spider-Pervert Defiles Innocent Loaf of Bread!

And don't forget the most off putting villain of all: Spider-Man! I don't know why those Hollyweird bozos cast dewey male underwear models to play him. If you've ever met Spider-Man, you would know he's more of a creepy Peter Lorre type. He's a menace!

What is this tripe?! What is this pabulum?! What is this virulent, venomous vitriol masquerading as children's entertainment?! Disgraceful! Why, I knew that television has always been a debauched and vulgar medium, but this is beyond the pale! Glorifying a common criminal on national airwaves? What's next? The Ted…

Simmons! That Hollywood hatchet man?! Why, he made me look like a bloviating, blustering buffoon! Me! J. Jonah Jameson! Needless to say, I am currently engaged in taking both him and Sam Raimi to court. Think they can get away with making a fool of J. Jonah Jameson?! Not on you life, Buster!

Ms. Brant! Get back to work! My antacids and nicotine patches aren't going to fetch themselves! I run a newspaper, not a charity ward! Stop mooning over Alec Baldwin! I know he may seem charming, but we go to the same country club and the man is a pig. In my forty years of journalism, I've covered Vietnam, the…

Mark my words, that Spider-Man picture will get the F it deserves! An F- even! In fact The Daily Bugle will put it's full journalistic weight into discouraging and supressing such a vile piece of pro-threat, pro-menace, pro-spider, anti-newspaper propaganda!

Venom? Spider-Man? Who would want to watch that?! They ought to make a movie about a dashing, handsome news hound with iron clad integrity, who works his way to the top of his field, becomes the most trusted, media figure in the country, leads a crusade against creepy bug guys and is elected mayor of the greatest city…