Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and run off into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a…

In Soviet Russia, you grope DJ! What a country!

I pray that this can come to a swift resolution.

It's weird that they kept doing more Portugal And The Man even after Freddy Prinze died.

Cheer up with this life-affirming video for Tool’s Schism "Prison Sex"

…life is so miserable they readily escape into nostalgia-steeped fantasies in which they can happily regurgitate pop culture references for the reader’s supposed enjoyment…

As a way of social protest towards Wal Mart, I always go to the craft section and spell out the word POOP with some of those large wooden craft letters they sell.

[Kiss's "Love Gun" plays on the stereo]

[Bobby wants plain toast, which isn't on the menu]

…pithy rejoinders, commiseration, a hole to shout jokes into while we wait this thing out…

I don't have an iPhone either, so I was trying to figure out what my autoplay first song would be if I did, and I think it would be from the group "4 Out of 5 Doctors" and a song called "Anna With Antennae"

I just wanted to get this comment posted in the great "Bellona" debates before fucking Kinja takes over

If U2 put this on everybody's phone for free, people would be shitting their pants with outrage, but some guy charges 99¢ for it on iTunes, and suddenly he's a genius?

Louis CK was the monster all along!

♪ I can't seem to face up to the facts,
I'm tense and nervous and I can't relax,
This Colonel Sander's job is getting me down,
A crazy chicken chasing me all over town

How I Met Your Mother/Father

"GODDAMIT COBIE… YOU SHAVED YOUR LEGS!?!"

Just so they can have Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise play shirtless volleyball in the torpedo room?

CUT MY SUB IN TWO PIECES
THIS IS MY LAST RESORT

Spinoff ending: