*types witty comeback one-handed*

Mrs. Coach gets what Mrs. Coach wants.

Look, @Dikachu:disqus , I insist all my dates wear copious amounts of perfume. Washing a body can take away only so much of the smell of decomposition.

Be sure to tell Pepsi Jr. to shave his scrotal sac real close before dumping about half a bottle of Aqua Velva on it.

Does Dwight Yoakam in stage makeup count? As scarily sociopathic as he was in Sling Blade, he was one handsome man.

"Vetiver" sounds French. Does putting on Jay-Z's new cologne make you smell like old cheese, stale Gaulloises and unwashed taint? As Frenchmen do?

The funniest detail is that all invitees to witnessing Kayne's marriage proposal had to sign confidentiality agreements. Did anyone tell Kim what she's agreed to?

Well, he has a Jewish-sounding name.

The show is all about Moshe Kasher being a fundamentalist Christian neo-Nazi.

*Morrissey preemptively sues Marvin Gaye's family*

"Funny" is pretty much the last word I would associate with Lady Gaga.

You know how angels spend all their time watching humans shower and have sex? This is God's punishment on them for that.

"If she plays her cards right, she'll get to see my 'O' face."

*Watches clip, head melts like this http://www.youtube.com/watc… *

Why would getting breast implants require giving up candy?

Charleston Chews, and for the past month or so, I've been heroin-type addicted to a perfectly terrible confection called jelly fruit slices.

Nailed it. I have a really hard time watching movies or shows with subtitles because of poor eyesight that leads to very slow reading. But the pace of The Returned seems almost set to subtitlting.

When Old Man Costa jumped to his death in the reservoir, I was all, like, "DAM!"

C'mon. "Traci Lords" is the role Parker Posey of 20 years ago was born to play.

And … the world is now one step closer to Wes Anderson's Bukkake Express.