Luke, you must travel to the Doggybag system.

I've managed to go 14,223 days without getting into a fistfight with Merle Haggard, so there's that.

A better question is, will I look ridiculous if I eat them with chopsticks?

It's what they call "cabbage".

At this point the only sensible option is to go smoke a lot of weed and watch Moonraker.

If I was the guy who ran 4chan I would pull the plug on it immediately.

The shrill suckiness of the Fine Young Cannibals

Q: Why does Bill Crouch?
A: Because Jake Jabs.

Fuck the NRA.

Insufferable Individual: The Martian sucked. The science was totally inaccurate.
Other Person: I see you're wearing your "I Love Star Trek" shirt.
Insufferable Individual: I retract the statement. [eats candy bar, slinks away]

Well, lesson learned. Maybe next time don't buy the fixtures at Ikea.

I still want to see a "My Year of Flops" about Megaforce.

He's a quick-witted investigative reporter and a master of disguise… also, he farts a lot!

Basketball Holmes, I got a Basketball Holmes,
Got a Basketball Holmes, oh baby, oo-oo-ooo

I often get the Gin Blossoms confused with Third Eye Blind, but it doesn't matter because I don't like either of them.

There's a girl in my office who I've long considered to be cute, but just yesterday I realized she looks very much like a red-haired Willem Dafoe. Now I'm… confused.

Pearl Jam and Creed are indistinguishable.

I've often considered Boards of Canada to be the Vangelis of the 21st century

I liked Prometheus because it was so pro-meth.

LOL @ "Beam me up Biscotti!"