I would have expected "expellianus."

Wingfartium Leviosa!

Thank you. And also, damn you for making me temporarily like a fake Cookie Monster account. You and this article have made me very confused.

I . . . I have only just been made aware of your existence, but I kind of want to bear your children.

*Kevin Fart

I'm not, it's just . . . you don't come across as the type who could quote The Fart of War in a dignified setting.

If nothing else, this would give me a good reason to finally watch that Sylvia Plath biopic.

I'm assuming something like this, except with Daniel Radcliff's farting boner corpse: https://i.ytimg.com/vi/JscQ…

Afarta Kedavra!

This film is actually a very dark take on Erotic Friend Fiction.

Yeah, there's high concept, then there's genius. And this is GENIUS.

Are you going to have a sound effect for the boner, too? Like, "BOI-OI-OI-OING"?

It is ungrateful beyond belief. "I'm going to endorse the draft dodger who had the audacity to question the military credentials of the man who made my 'career' possible!"

Once I braved a lizard to pick a hibiscus!

I never understood how, HOW, with all the money they spent on fancying her up, they didn't manage to find a makeup artist who knew how to fucking BLEND.

Bush Glue: For The Slippery Merkin in Your Life. Now Available in Extra White!

I honestly don't understand why Rubio is outpolling Jeb. They're both boring, bland assholes, (as opposed to exciting, savory assholes), but I would have assumed that Jeb would get the edge because dynasty. The fact that anyone gives a shit about Rubio is truly the most baffling thing about the election pre-game.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I find your knowledge of high-end women's clothing VERY attractive.

Indeed. I feel like the fact that attendees of such a well-respected politician's campaign speeches were behaving in this manner kind of legitimized the next 8 years of whining and paranoia.

Yes, we need a new, gender-neutral word for it. Maybe "Tainticle"?