I'm having trouble thinking of a worse age. Maybe 107?

I swear I read a book almost identical to this when I was staying with my younger cousin, except it was an actual YA novel written by a grownup. Also, this is pretty much Julie and Julia for kids, right?

BIG, RED, SPICY NO. If those fucks can't appreciate the wonderful smell of Sriracha, they can move.

Awww, that potato thinks he's people!

London Falling. It's not that hard, Hollywood.

That's fine. More than enough killbots to go around.

Woooooow. It all makes sense now!

Shhh. Don't give him any ideas.

And maybe they have tulips growing out of their ears. We don't know!

I still get that monstrosity stuck in my head.

Yup.

Did you see her on Whose Line Is It Anyway? She was so goddamn adorable that my straight:gay ration went from 75:25 to 10:90 for a full half-hour.

Ugh, the thought of him singing "Physical" makes me want to physically punch him in the taint.

That's actually the only decent argument against decriminalizing weed.

A little bit of Trujillo in my life
A little bit of Hetfield by my side
A little bit of Ulrich is all I need
A little bit of Hammett is what I see . . .

Your instincts are, as always, spot on. If anything, the song is the audio equivalent of poopy from my butt.

My friend was totally convinced these were the real lyrics. It's like he had this innate need to make dumb things seem less-dumb.

You forgot you'd given your wife a boob job, so you just kept injecting her with more and more silicone!

*aims satellites*

And then actively seeking your next boobie-fix because if you don't, you'll DIE.