Most of my family is really liberal, but he's apparently been hanging out with the wrong crowd lately. And we're all too polite to lay into him about what an asshole he is.

She sounds terrible. I'm shocked at what some people put up with in relationships.

Please post pics when it happens! You can even censor your glorious visages with a green happy face.

Use a wide-toothed comb instead and invest in some product. Ask your stylist for suggestions.

I find that my hands hurt whenever I hang from monkeybars. When I was a kid, I had all these callouses built up; now I don't and it sucks.

I went to their factory a few weeks ago! They have a Flavor Graveyard!

No advice, but can we trade uncles? One of mine literally said "Obummer" at the last family gathering.

Shitty neighbor kid's latest thing:

Weirdest or most-awesome? Because visiting pyramids of any type is awesome no matter how many chainsmokers there are. I went to Teotihuacan a few years ago and it was fucking phenomenal, even though it was pretty obvious that people had peed on them.

Please re-read my post and ask yourself if I was actually saying that.

AND I NEED EYE DROPS TONIGHT!
AND I'LL NEED OPTIX FOREVER!
AND IF THEY ONLY COME OUT AT NIGHT
I'LL KEEP THE PAIR TOGETHER!
AND THE LEFT IS MORE LUBED THAN THE RIGHT
'CAUSE MY EYEBALLS ARE OBLONG!
TOGETHER THEY CAN LAST FOR ABOUT TWICE OF THE TIME!
SHE TOLD ME I SHOULD SWITCH THEM OUT, BUT PROTEINS ARE FINE (PROTEINS ARE…

Sweetie, we live in an era in which the bar for morality is now set at "don't shoot a kid in the face." Anything above that bar, including normal, decent-person-behavior, deserves praise. *high fives*

If only he'd gotten his colleague to plug his husband's preternaturally hot ass during his podcast!.

Wait, were you True Pud THE WHOLE TIME?

You give the weirdest compliments.

Did you just show her the pus and skin cells from that session or, like, the entire COLLECTION?

Every time? What a douchebag. He missed out on all kinds of erotic food fiction. I almost feel sorry for him.

Also, NAFTA, DOMA and DADT.

A female family friend always kept baby powder next to her toilet. She didn't have a baby and she didn't wear diapers herself. I can only assume she used it to keep her nether-region all desert-y during the day, but I really don't see the appeal of having a desert-y nether-region.

Unless she was also into watersports.