Ok, that was a stretch.

Of all of the bizarre political twists and turns this country has taken, the strangest one is this: the fetishizing, and elevating, of symbolic gestures, while actual words and actions have become almost irrelevant.

You can’t abide by a national anthem that makes you think about the oppression of minorities? Try thinking about the 380,000 Northern soldiers who died in the Civil War primarily fighting to end the enslavement of black men, women and children more than 150 years ago.

The NFL? Disingenuous?! HOW DARE YOU!

Being white makes you an expert on everything. Being white is the fucking tits.

Nice of Glenn Beck to make it clear right in the name that his network is either:

Because when you want hard-hitting perspective about how the world really works, you go to a 24 year old blond who's putting together an audition reel for a sweet FoxNews gig.

I never cared if he disagreed with the officials. I just don’t think it’s right that he disrespected the flag and those who died to protect his freedom.

If CBS values my opinion so much why isn't Kevin James buried neck deep in hippo shit right now?

I haven’t seen a range that impressive since I broke into Bobby Flay’s home and toured his kitchen in the nude. (He had an old Ozzie Smith highlight reel playing for some reason.)

a few years ago I mocked up what I thought would be the perfect Tebow logo and on-field cleat.

I’m crying on the toilet, and I didn’t even have Chipotle yesterday.

If a shoe and apparel company wants advertising on the site in association with a viral hoax they can call our sales department.

You trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball?

But a certain faction of your uncle’s Facebook friends will swear he isn’t on an MLB roster RIGHT THIS MINUTE because of the war on Christianity.

I don’t think this necessarily offers hope for humanity, but I wouldn’t say it’s just basic decency for a guy who went to the school expecting to be fawned over by excited kids to instead sit down with a lonely, awkward boy who probably didn’t even know who he was.

Damn it. At least, you’re at McDonalds probably biting on a Sausage Mcgriddle. I’m at Barnes & Noble having to pay for the magazine that I'm reading soaked up with my tears.

Great. Now I’m crying in a McDonald’s. And it's not for any of the usual reasons.

Can’t