Geez, what a dick.

Sometimes you chase the steeple; sometimes the steeple chases you. And catches you. And punches you in the face.

In all honesty, the food scene is pretty good right now. I can think of 15-20 great local restaurants. It’s just a recent thing, but it’s not as bad as it used to be.

Are you all right? I’m worried you’ll need shoulder surgery after reaching for that...

I usually get turned on when I’m touched, so I’m thinking both.

It gets me EVERY FUCKING TIME.

I once danced under the name Dick Monster. Most lucrative job I ever had.

I was just thinking about this incident over the weekend because of this year’s men’s 10,000-meter race. The eventual gold medal winner fell, yet was able to come back to win the race. I’ve always wondered about Mary Decker: why didn’t she even try to get up and finish? I understand that she had some sort of injury…

Well, of course I did!

Just to show you that I missed the entire point of the article:

Poor Parzival, though being sick explains his long face.

Considering she started by saying the news she was reporting was “shocking,” it’s a pretty safe bet that it wasn’t caused by illness.

Saxophones—the cornerstone of 80s music!!

You can see their contempt in their long faces.

Boy, it’s going to suck for you when Lilly King tests positive for PEDs.

What America lost was the next Tony Stewart. I don’t mean that as far as talent or temperament; I mean that Clauson was like Stewart in that he was a true racer. Early in his career, Stewart would drive anything he could. I loved that Stewart always tried to pull double duty and race in both the Indy 500 & Coca Cola…

And if a non-American swimmer was doing what Ledecky is doing, they’d be accused of doping.

MARVIN HARRISON IS MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE PLAYER HOW DARE YOU REHASH THIS STORY ABOUT ONE OF THE GREATEST RECEIVERS EVER

Years—and I mean YEARS, because I’m old—we played Handball in gym class...and it was AWESOME! I played it for a few years after that, even competing in a tournament as part of a statewide sports festival.

At least he can blame it on getting neutered...I can only blame it on cheese and bacon.