This reminds me of that tweet, “Ariana had to learn the hard way what all women find out eventually: that sometimes you think a guy is amazing and funny and loving and sexy, but it turns out he’s just tall”

My dad shaved his beard for the first time in my life when I was about 2. He shaved front of me so I wouldn't freak out. He finished, washed his face, and turned to pick me up. I freaked the fuck out.

Honestly, the US seems like it’s all the fucking Wild West and a terrifying, exhausting place to live. I can’t imagine not tipping someone who’s making baseline less than $3 for an hour of work, but tbh I don’t think I could eat at all knowing the server was making that. That’s gross. And then all the shit about…

“The other two, whose families contributed a total of $270,000, failed to complete their applications and never ended up enrolling.”

This convinced me that he writes his own songs.

Keith Urban is a generic looking white dude. He was never going to have trouble fitting in to the US country music scene.

Finally, a specific dollar amount for the Fuckwit Tax.

Yeah I think the theory is that if they make him go and stand near people who have actual jobs for a while, it will almost look like he too has and does an actual job. Which he doesn’t.

Whenever I think of Beyonce now, all I can think about is that she looked at a shrieking, wrinkle-faced newborn and went “yeah, he looks like a ‘Sir’”. I can’t get past it.

Shit, man. Me fucking too.

Firstly, no shit.

Okay this is the dumbest shit to get bummed about, but here I am. Did anyone watch the most recent episodes of Will & Grace? Karen dated a woman (not just a woman. Samira fucking Wiley?) and then decided she was just sad and confused and not actually gay? Why does this show hate lesbians so much?

I haven’t watched commercial television in a bit, but in Australia we got those ridiculous Clooney coffee ads as well. And Jeff Goldblum doing ads for Menulog.

I'm starting to think he believes that border loopholes are actual holes in the border.

Republicans have been fucking their base for years and they've taken it like champs. Don't see why this would change that.

You don’t have to be famous. A friend of mine’s mother had a year to plan her funeral (cancer is a cunt) and she DISinvited a few people. And wrote them rude letters. Have some fun with it.

Only the two black dresses look good, and you can't really see the fit on those. The rest are a heinous mess.

If it helps, I am not married, do not have children, and am also boring. It's the tits.

She does look like she drinks every day 

I’m really sorry about that. It’s not a heaps fun disease. If you really do think it’s going to be a thing, start looking into whatever support is available now. I live in Australia and we were super lucky to find a good home for Dad, but the year I cared for him at home was hands down the hardest of my life. Ask for…