Maybe a panini press.

"we are giving you hoovers and milkshake machines! What more could any girl be wanting?"

How does the phrase "ALL the women" somehow get interpreted by you to mean "except NOT all the women"?

Oh yeah, she totally said that right before giving her white power salute.

That just makes him sexier to me. Bitterly cold sarcastic men are my jam.

They're the gift that keeps on giving. Sort of like herpes.

The kind of dirt you get from only taking 30 showers in two years?

Feeling "mama bear" is a common reaction one experiences when seeing a tiny, helpless baby be put in harms way or otherwise threatened.

Fuck no, Canada's Inuit people have enough issues, thanks. Just stick them in Florida, no one will even notice.

Bourbon (free) Creams are the fucking bomb.

Your momma sucks.

"lol omg sooooo fat. Heifer much? Lol! #eatlessdonutsbiatch"

you pay $60 mil for an apartment, you don't need closets - every night you just throw your stuff away, and have your vassals run out and buy you new stuff.

well, how else was he going to steal his breath?

Uh, no it isn't. You're confusing loathing for Glastonbury hippies with hatred of the peace sign.

Another piece of my youth fades away. Rip Steve.

No shut up she's totally a natural beauty! Can't you see this is just a totally natural and unposed "selfie"?

That actually reflects well on your family...

an awesome voice is awesome no matter how you dress it.

No, it means you're good at hurrying through meals without taking time to savour them, or to appreciate what's being served.