Cleaning the bathtub. Looked into the drain, see a sliver of soap down in there. Shove it down the drain with my fingertips.

Go Pens!

Many years ago, age 17, parking lot of the Showcase Cinemas after a movie with my girlfriend. I decide to be a romantic and pull out a cherry Twizzler. I take one end, offer her the other. We munch toward each other.

Thank you, my testicles have sucked safely up into my body, thanks to this one. 

Don’t sleep on Jack Shit. He could very well turn out to blossom in the Todd Haley system.

Cry me a goddamn fucking river.

Full disclosure: The response was not the same from her. Took some time, and persistence. Not, like, stalking. But patience. She says now that she felt the same way immediately, but I don’t believe her. I tend to grow on people, like fungus. 

LOL. I was going to make an “Egg” joke, actually ...

His election certainly did make history.

Yeah, I’d stay away from the word “collusion”...

Saw her across a hallway at college, and a voice said, “You’re going to marry her.”

Team Kendrick.

How about going full abortion provider on the guy--set up barricades, harass every single customer going in?

Looks like a rugby scrum broke out.

You know, that “sex robot” thing is so obvious, and yet I never really saw it until you said it, and now I can’t unsee it.

The hypocrisy is breathtaking, no question.

This whole thing feels more and more like a criminal enterprise every day.

Yeah, but this is the federal government, so...

It says something about the sober, serious nature of this proposal that the first step taken is a poll of a design for the fucking logo.

You speak for us all, believe me.