Who died and made you the jizz expert?

I expected them to screw up one top-four pick. To screw up both was just so...Browns.

For what it’s worth: I love her voice.

As a journalist, I have to say...

TRUMP: Are there any Hispanics in the room?

It seems like we might be finally done with accepting a bunch of nonsense in this country.

You can keep shoveling that coal, Bradley, but methinks the lady doth protest too much.

“Okay, but, having your bed anointed with virgin’s blood is like the most metal thing ever, right?”

Nazi pug!

I thought it was solid as Iraq.

It’s funny. I feel like we need to get back to simply not listening to certain people, both in the world and in our families. Just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean it’s valid.

Feels obligatory:

I do this, all the time. Amazing stuff.

This headline was sadly inevitable.

The tiny pastry-wrapped hot dogs are absolutely not something that should be deeply inspirational, but I would kill your mama and step over her dead body for some of those at any given moment.

You beautiful curmudgeon!

Dear Lord, this. So much this.

I’ve always wondered what ever happened to Tucker Max. Good to see he’s still writing.

Condolences. Hang in there.

Snickers bars—they’re still safe, right?